confession: i’ve been listening to the same song on repeat for a month. repetition isn’t unusual behavior for me but this song is a new addition to the repeating archive. the new song is a remake of a song i knew growing up but this haunting melancholy-flavored rendition is one i discovered only last month. i don’t feel melancholic and my attachment to this lonesome song is a paradoxical cue that my current emotional baseline is orienting toward contentment.
confession: october’s pancreatic cancer scare brought two to-do items forward, just in case the end is near. i completed that short list before that month’s end. i don’t dilly-dally with death. just in case, i check with myself every other day to see if any new list items arise. yesterday i drove past a billboard with the yearly death toll on texas roads (over 3,000), a reminder that any of us driving or riding in a car could die any day. i hope at least half of those more than 3,000 people addressed their most important in-case-of-death communications before the crash that took their lives.
confession: she’s waaaaaayyyy more advanced than i was at her age…which is why the 12-year difference between us feels good, stimulating, and enticing. we learn from one another in equal measure from different intersections along the multiverse spectrum.
confession: peacocks and a poached egg interspersed a perfect day yesterday.
confession: i was surprised to hear that he has a girlfriend again so soon…but the surprise was supplanted with remembering that he wants to avoid loneliness. i crave loneliness as a novelty because my aloneness maintains a hefty fullness that doesn’t leave room for loneliness to enter.
confession: i’m going to my new favorite restaurant two days in a row because there are more dishes i want to taste than i can stomach in one visit even when sharing all plates ordered with another.
confession: two nights ago i took extra free stickers (meant for kids) from a grocery store without asking permission. yesterday i took coasters (one-time-use disposable variety) from my favorite restaurant without asking permission. is it stealing when i take “free” stuff without asking…or just rude-cow uncouth taking?
confession: at the beginning of any new relationship i consciously shape the opportunity during the getting-to-know-one-another stage to present myself and my history in whatever order and at whatever pace i desire. i choose (intentionally or sometimes unconsciously) which details in what timing to share. i can omit aspects of my past or worn-out stories that no longer resonate with who i am today. i can emphasize skills and qualities i’m currently practicing. i can be brave and true and discerning with every comment. a new relationship is a new beginning for me to be the newest version of me.
confession: i strive to be forever new. (mostly because i’m easily bored and strapped with myself all the time.)