confession: i’ve been socializing for the past week and i wonder at the paradox for those who read the oft-mentioned suicidal contemplations in my blog confessions relative to the bursting lightbeam bebopping around town in a pink tutu who gushes about the lifespan of donkeys (it’s longer than you’re guessing). 23 hours ago i expressed to a wise person who reflects someone i’ll likely become (with luck and resiliency on my side) that i bring my brightest self out to engage with people and i sit with my darkest self alone.
confession: i saw the ex-wife a few nights ago. (for those keeping tabs, this is the fourth meeting since november). our togetherness proceeded exactly as i predicted it would. we were easy with one another, laughed a lot, felt joyful and relieved to be in each other’s presence. we didn’t talk about big heavy shit from the past but didn’t avoid talking about any subject either…except i didn’t say things i’m holding back because i’m unsure of my motives if i were to say them. am i trying to be right? am i overexplaining? am i pushing her for an admission that may not be true for her…or if it is true that she may not be ready to acknowledge? those questions direct me into thought explorations i can manage solo for now and discuss with her later when i have more clarity. as i’m confessing here i realize that my holding back means i’m breaking the only two rules the ex-wife and i have set for our current relating. rule #1—we tell each other everything, no holding back. rule #2—if we’re gonna break the first rule, acknowledge that we’re breaking it and talk about the thing as soon as possible. i’m breaking rule #1 and the first half of rule #2 with the intention of admitting the rule-breaking as soon as i’m ready to confront her with the recurring theme that caused our original break-up. fuck.
confession: the ex-wife said she loves the unknowns in the life, the unexpected never-saw-it-coming events. she said it with more excitement and enthusiasm than she displayed about any other topic we discussed that evening. in my experience the never-saw-it-coming life events are more often tragic than happy-making. i conscientiously intend all my effort to create as much positivity, helpfulness, and love that i can build each day. the things i most often don’t see coming are the bulldozing situations that flatten me, hurt others, and reflect injustices greater than the ones i’ve normalized for myself to expect and accept. i don’t love or hate the unknowns. i know the unknowns will arise indefinitely. i do my best to prepare for the known variables, to make the good and bad as better as possible, and to keep getting up when i’m struck down, sucked down, or fall. the most never-saw-it-coming unknown in my adult life was the end of my relationship with my ex-wife and the reasons for its end. i wonder what she means when she says she loves the unknowns. i wonder which unknowns-now-known that inspire her excitement and enthusiasm. i’ll ask her next time i see her.
confession: re-establishing a connection with the ex-wife might take a terrible turn. it is currently unknown.