confession: because i’m coffee high and procrastinating i fell down a youtube rabbit hole of common freestyle rapping then chris rock roasting people then celebrities freaking out meeting other celebrities and now i’m laughing and crying and clenching my jaw (from too much coffee) and i wish you were here procrastinating with me and drinking more coffee because that sounds more fun than whatever we’re *supposed* to be working on. oh yeah, work. whoops. i forgot.
confession: since i’ve forgotten about work for the past 28 minutes i figure i can write to you a while longer and work through lunch…which is snort-worthy since i don’t actually stop working to eat lunch because i graze all day on crackers and yogurt and chocolate-covered coffee beans which is more sad than funny but i don’t want to be sad (therefore, the chocolate-covered coffee beans) and i’ve met people who voluntarily eat salad every day for lunch and i want to envy them or be inspired by them but i’m actually just confused by them. how do they maintain motivated, healthy, responsible eating habits? my eating disorder craves sugar and carbs and coffee and diet soft drinks and more sugar and carbs and then i work out for hours each day because i’m terrified of gaining weight (because i internalized the lies from my parents, advertising, society, and the patriarchy that fat equals unlovable) but you can’t tell if i don’t tell you because i look “fit” but seriously…if we all need reminding for the millionth time–looks are deceiving and most of us are suffering our own stupid addictions and other shame in silent isolation so let’s be kinder and gentler with one another, okay?
confession: whew. i need a breather after that last confessional rampage.
confession: i also probably ought to refrain from finishing this very large cup of coffee.
confession: i wish i could sit in your living room on your couch in my pink and blue fleece pajamas and listen to you tell me everything that flies out your uninhibited mouth when you are coffee high. i miss knowing the things you would say only if the coffee spilled the words faster than your brain could censor them.
confession: have you ever wondered who you might be and what you might choose if you woke up tomorrow with amnesia and never again remembered the people you’ve connected to your life and the choices you’ve made to maintain those connections? if i forgot the people i love, who would i choose to be? where would i go? what would i do? for every major life decision as an adult i have considered and weighted how i can best love and support my chosen family. if i woke up tomorrow and couldn’t remember them, wasn’t attached to them, didn’t prioritize their well-being, i don’t know what i might do, where i might go, who i might let myself become. i like to fantasize that i’d follow some internal impulse landing me beachside in another country but with amnesia i might not associate freedom with the places the ocean touches on every continent in the world.
confession: when i reread that last confession looking for the feeling beneath the feeling, the question beneath the question, and the desire beneath the desire, i find tension between love and freedom. i value both. i prioritize love. i always want to love better and love more. i also want more freedom, fewer attachments, months and months alone on a beach in a country most people can’t point to on a map.