june’s final confessions

confession:  sunday night i mopped the kitchen floor with vodka after a bottle broke. monday night i still had shards of glass in my hand.  conclusion:  vodka is dangerous.  (this is the second time i’ve come to that conclusion. the first time occurred six years ago as a result of alcohol poisoning.)

confession:  i’m feeling extra unsociable this week.  i need a massage.  getting a massage would require talking to people.  instead, i reek of icy hot.

confession:  the song playing on repeat this week makes my soul feel silky.  i want everyone to find the song that caresses their soul’s silkiness.

confession:  i just deleted a confession about pretty 22-year-old boys, because it made me sound like the dirty old lady i am. 

confession:  i think about kissing when i’m alone.  i think about being alone when i’m with people instead of kissing them.  the only kisses i’ve had this week were initiated by others, because when i had the opportunity, it didn’t occur to me to kiss them.

confession:  i want to stop time.  i want to stop all my desires.  i want to review my past mistakes and go back in time to correct them.  i want to flash forward into the future and see how things work out. i want to be right here and now and know that every little thing is alright.

confession:  people reach out to me each week…and i avoid them, ignoring their invitations, and caving in my apartment, because i prefer to be alone.

confession:  i like being a grown-up.  every year, my life is better.  my 37th birthday is more than four months away, but in my head i already think of myself as 37.  (besides, i’m a numbers geek, and 37 is prime.  37 is my new favorite number. next time i’m in vegas, i’m putting money on 37.)

confession:  the primary advantage of traveling the world all those years was that people didn’t expect to see me, because they assumed i was always out of the country, and usually i was. i have exceptional difficulty dealing with other people’s expectations of me…and it is likely that i self-sabotage via projecting my disappointment in myself by not showing up for others and thereby disappointing them. 

confession:  when i haven’t been to therapy for weeks, i make therapy-type public confessions, like the one immediately preceding this one.  i usually delete them. 

confession:  i’m quiet on the inside. i can only be this quiet when i’m alone…which is another reason i avoid people.  people want to talk to me.  i prefer quiet to talking.

confession:  please, i’m asking please…please offer a few of your confessions this week…i want to read them and i want you to experience the freedom of release.

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About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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10 Responses to june’s final confessions

  1. jen says:

    one: i am visiting my mother in fayetteville arkansas. it’s a nice town, when you get past the idea that wal-mart, tyson foods, and jb hunt are all headquartered in this area. my mom works for wal-mart. her coworkers and managers are nice, but you know, it’s a giant corporation. their policies are lacking. in addition, it has been hard to watch my mom go from being vice president of a company to, thirteen years later, being an overnight cosmetic stocker at wal-mart. i reckon my confession is this: despite whatever issues i have with my mother, despite whatever issues i have with wal-mart, showing up at her job last night, after midnight, and letting her parade me around to all her coworkers was really nice. she felt proud. no, no, my confession is actually this: swallowing MY pride and judgments in the name of letting her have forty five minutes of time that clearly brought her so much joy was really nice. apparently, she’s talked about me endlessly. shown people my website. i know my mom loves me, and i love her. but last night gave me a different perspective. also, tonight, i will be attending karaoke with her and her coworkers. i’m actually really excited about this.

    two: i’m not proud of what happens when i drink whiskey. drinking, recently, has become a way for me to speak too openly. i’m afraid of offending my friends, but truthfully i’m not sure they’re really my friends.

    three: a palm reader in new orleans told me by the time i am sixty, everything will be okay. i wonder if that means i won’t find good, honest love until then.

    four: i don’t know how many people with whom i have had sex. i lost count around seventy five. it’s at well over one hundred now. i don’t think i judge myself for this, but i think other people will. so maybe i do.

    five: life is really lovely. even when it sucks, and has complications, and dramatic explosions. there is beauty and truth in everything. i am so exceptionally grateful i can see that. now. finally.

  2. anisum says:

    confession: although I think I’ve gotten over my mom not being my mom anymore, I don’t think I will ever get over not having a mom. My mom is alive, but she stopped being capable of being my mom a few years ago, specifically when I came out. I yearn for an older woman to enter my life, swoop me off my feet with nurturing, wisdom and care, just for me.

    confession: even when I had a mom she was never enough for me. At four years old, I fantasized about Maria from Sesame Street becoming my mom. Most of my life I’ve longed for a wise and nuturing presence that never existed.

    confession: one of the primary reasons I want to be a mom is that I want to nurture the heck out of my kids. I want them to have no question that I will hold them tightly when they are scared and pet them when they are sick. I want my arms to be enormous wings under which my children can hide, no matter the circumstances, and muster up the courage to go back out into the world.

    confession: recently a brand new friend gave me the nickname “Momma Bird.” This is my favourite nickname of all time. If I could have my way, I would have everyone call me it.

    confession: I found out yesterday in counselling, that what I need most when I spiral into addictive behaviour, is nuturing. Apparently I’m supposed to give it to myself, but I’m utteringly confused on how to do this without splitting into two personalities- one blubbering, frightened, confused 12 year old, and one wise, assured and caring 50 year old.

  3. Teresa says:

    confession: After 28 years of life, I’m giving in to peer pressure and it’s okay.

    confession: I’ve been paying for a workout club membership for the last month and a half and have not used it once. I’m going tonight.

    confession: I have to see the MIL on Saturday and I’d rather not go. I’d rather call in sick. I’d rather stick a hot poker in my eye than spend time with her and her exhausting opinions and comments for even an hour. I guilt myself into going to this kind of crap because it is ‘required’ by the family that actually matters and I wouldn’t hear the end of the bitching about me not being there. I still don’t want to go.

    confession: I am grateful for the intern/volunteer opportunity that I have and that I need to apply to school for what I want to do, but I don’t like that I have NO day off – ever. The last thing that I want to do on Tuesday mornings is get in my car to go.

    confession: I was not impressed when my 33 year old husband was acting like a drunk 21 year old last Saturday. He should probably have gotten that out of his system about 12 years ago. Just sayin’.

    confession: I have thought that vodka was evil for a long, long time.

    confession: My previously dead relationship has been going okay so far, but it still makes me nervous. Fingers crossed Friday night continues to go well.

    confession: I start a new class next week and I’m hoping it’s not a lot of work and will be an easy A. I’ll be crabby if it doesn’t go according to plan.

    confession: I don’t want to put pressure on you to come and visit. I don’t want a pity visit. I want you to visit because you want to. Just remember – I would always love to see you and my door is always open (and you have a key for when it isn’t and I know that you already know this). If you want me to, I can confess to/update you in this forum from now on instead of rambling VM’s. LMK!

    XO!

  4. Tamika says:

    I feel that my life is bipolar. The month of June was the worst and best month in a very long time. I’m tired of bipolar months, days, and relationships.

    Today I feel like the absolute least capable mother of all time. I feel this way because of information my daughter shared with me. Of course, were I the least capable mother of all time, she wouldn’t have shared what she shared. This bipolar relationship with my little Gemini is pushing me to the boundaries of what I can take.

    I feel loved by people I rarely see. I’m tired of this, too–the rarity of quality time, not the love.

    Today, I am tired; I am frustrated to tears; I prefer the quiet… This is on the heels of a day-long training in which I talked incessantly with colleagues.

    I mentioned you in a “Sensitive Circle” today. I brought the worry dolls, which I realized symbolize the handful of people in my life whom have carried my worries. I’m thankful to have miniature angel sisters made by hermanas guatamaltecas.

    Today I miss you a ton today. I love the consistency of love that my diva sisters represent and give–my non-bipolar relationships that make me smile. 🙂

  5. Wreckin' Ball says:

    Confession: I’ve been a terrible student lately. I’m not fully engaging with my assignments. I enjoy learning new things as well as taking on new challenges, but sometimes I let my insecurities about “being good enough” creep back in and create a mental block. But I had a mini-breakthrough last night that has sent me in a new direction and I’m going to keep pushing forward.

    Confession: I acted like a real ass on Friday night. I know I embarrassed the people that know me well and probably mortified the ones that barely do. Just when I think I get my negativity and disdain for certain types of people in check, one of their worst representatives waltzes in and dredges up something from deep in my past that I haven’t truly dealt with and they get the full brunt of my pain. I don’t like myself when I act this way and I know I need to deal with some this crap from the past, but sometimes I just feel it’s easier to keep moving forward because I don’t have time for a breakdown.

    Confession: I’ve let my childhood fear of a certain animal control my life this week. I haven’t slept well and I don’t want to go in my backyard. I’ve hopefully remedied the problem, but I’m going to buy a hoe at Home Depot just in case 🙂

    Confession: Sue Ann, you rock my world! You have a light around you that you may not know about, but it radiates kindness and I’m thankful that I can feel it when you laugh and smile 🙂

  6. Tamika says:

    I just noted the tautology above. Of course, this was due to an unfinished edit. 😉

  7. Pause for effect says:

    Confession1: I don’t enjoy dancing like most people would assume I do. For me, it is a way to interact with people since I have no desire for small talk and I suck at it anyway.
    I just happen to be good at dancing and I value it as a break from loneliness.
    There are some special dance partners that I absolutely adore and wish I could get past the “how are you?” questions and into a deep discussion about life, love and happiness but I feel it would creep them out if I just brought it up out of the blue.

    Confession2: I hate most people, especially men, but would die for those I care about.

    Confession3: My GF puts no romantic demands on me, acts like a dude when it comes to feelings, never calls me by a cute nickname, and is never jealous….I should like this but I don’t.

    Confession4: Pretty Angle is a mystery to me, a book I may never get to finish. The first chapter sucked me in and maybe that will be enough. It is pretty good on its own

  8. jen says:

    redo, based on driving for a few hours with singing i’ll fly away on repeat:
    one: it actually wasn’t her pride in me. it wasn’t me letting her experience that. it is that i am an aries and an only child and the world must always revolve around me. for maybe the first time in my whole whole life, i let the world revolve around someone else. it felt really good.

    and yet another: i’ve always been a homebody, at least when it comes to travelling. lately, i’ve realized two things: much like my biological clock, my wanderlust is in high swing and i should really do something about it; i get my hoarding from my mother, and being in her house, which is full of shit and trash and bills and smells kinda bad, not only am i compelled to purge things in my life, i told her i’d be back at the end of august to spend a week purging hers. she has boxes that haven’t been unpacked in EIGHTEEN YEARS. i want to help her.

  9. LoneStarGirl says:

    confession 1: i’m still in love with my ex and i’m afraid i’ll never get over it.

    confession 2: even though he’s married now he doesn’t do much to dissuade our emotional relationship…and i’m okay with that sometimes.

    confession 3: i like being alone too…as you know. my time away is a direct result of having too many people in my life, in a particular capacity, at one time.

    confession 4: right now i am living with someone who does not stop talking…and it’s wearing on me. i enjoy conversation…but it must be meaningful. this is one reason i love the letters. it’s a quiet conversation.

  10. pixie sister says:

    confession: i dumped my counselor because i was a completely different person after my texas trip and i knew she wouldn’t understand that without thinking i was crazy or in denial.

    confession: i pushed myself to my physical limits at work today (without crying!) because i had a job i needed to do and i just focused on “there is no good or bad there only is what is”.

    confession: my epsom salt bath was delicious as was my hard cider.

    confession: preparing food is hard but i do it anyway.

    confession: i’m feeling okay about the past, present, and future. whoa.

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