i have mental conversations with people, partly because it is more dynamic than talking only to myself. i talk to various people ~ mostly alive, usually friends, but sometimes to dead friends, deceased relatives, and exes that have vacated my world. occasionally, a mental conversation is translated into an email or letter, and then rarely, the written correspondence is sent. i did that last week. i did it again this week. she responded, indirectly offering me what i needed to know.
i learned that no matter what she blamed me for, the reasons she left had nothing to do with me. i learned that she didn’t actually know why she had left me years ago. she acknowledged that she didn’t understand and hadn’t processed the reasons for her choices (although she continues to blame me). but i understand her reasons. i know her blind spots. i can see what she can’t. that said, one reason i contacted her was to see if she knew things about me of which i am unaware, if she could reflect for me what i can not see for myself. she couldn’t. she didn’t. i tucked the email exchange into a folder that i’ll never read again and i’ll stick to mental conversations with her in the future.
catching up with myself in the present, there are other relationships in which i need to make choices NOW. wanting to choose differently, i’m reviewing the past and checking in with the people who know me best. because i know that fear lies, and i’m all sorts of scared lately, i’m stepping closer to what i know as truths:
1. we’re all doing the best we can. (if we could honestly do better, we would.)
2. we need love most when we are acting least lovable.
3. the most loving response to fear/hurt/anger is gentle patience and compassionate understanding.
with those truths in mind, i practice with myself. i practice with others. i fail. i hurt. i get scared. i remember the truth. i practice again. the only thing i’ve made meaningful in my life is loving without limits, loving without conditions, and loving endlessly. i’ll keep practicing. game on.