confessing on the first of september

confession:  i was going to write this week’s confessions at 3 a.m., but the bed wouldn’t let me get up.

confession:  i sleep a lot now. i’d say it is disorienting (because it is), but i like not knowing when i’ll be awake. i used to be able to assume i’d always be awake, since i only slept three-ish hours a day. i like sleeping for long stretches.  

confession:  sleeping more means thinking less.  sleeping more also means more quiet on the inside.  quiet on the inside sits very close to peace.

confession:  it intrigues my compassion to watch other people wrestle with their thoughts.  the futility of that wrestling is obvious to me:  no one wins and there is only one fighting. i do my best to apply that wisdom when i’m thrashing in my own head. i try to remember to float rather than flail.

confession:  i’m reading a book written by a man who committed suicide at age 33.  it is well-written with seeds of the author’s desperation scattered throughout the book, speaking through several characters. i suspect that his writing intentions were partly cathartic. cathartic artistic expression may have worked…up until the night it didn’t.

confession:  suicide emerges as a viable option after an unbearably painful lifetime organically leads to the decision to end it. i reserve suicide as my back-up plan Z, only after i’ve exhausted plans A through Y, but that wasn’t always the case. i have intimate relations with reasons why people choose suicide. 

confession:  i miss oysters and scallops and shrimp and lobster and all the crustaceans i quit eating after katrina due to pollution in the gulf.  now, the oil spill….  i miss new zealand mussels.  i do not miss the kiwi who introduced me to them.

confession:  i don’t miss any of my exes.  at all.  not even the mexican actress.  the best of my exes have become close friends.  i prefer that the others stay away.

confession:  i care less about things than i used to. i’ve observed the less-caring trend for a while. i don’t judge it as positive or negative. if it is detachment, then i’d judge it as positive. if it is a breeze of apathy (lightly scented with depression), then i’d judge it as negative. i don’t know why i care less. i know that accepting rather than judging (myself and others) is who i want to be.

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About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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3 Responses to confessing on the first of september

  1. unbreakable/unsinkable says:

    Confession: Last night proved that I am strong. I don’t know that I needed proof so much as I’m pretty self assured in many ways. Sadly, the ex, after two weeks of not speaking decided to text me. It was a true test.

    Confession: I didn’t respond even though the message was sweet. The longer I didn’t respond, the uglier the messages got which is proof I need to stay far, far away.

    Confession: I’ve been on many dates and am juggling quite a few people right now. It’s not as fun as I thought it would be.

    Confession: I typed a confession and deleted it. I do that a lot.

  2. GranDiva says:

    Confession: I am craving solitude. Anything else seems intrusive. Sometimes I think I’m a introvert on delay.

    Confession: I feel oafish in my new Vinyasa practice. I know this will get better, but I wonder how long it will take. (Yes, I know I shouldn’t think like that…) I’m sure it’s a good thing to go from confident to humbled, and am looking forward to the wisdom that comes out of it… though I’d much prefer a skotch of confidence.

    Confession: I’m constantly tired. Between a new school year and a new practice, I can barely keep my eyes open… And I hurt. All over. LOL. BUT, I still am loving it.

    LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Me Right Now says:

    (i’m a little late, buuut… i am a libra, so i really am just in time, as i intended to be) 😉

    confession: i’m so in love that it’s driving me crazy, insane. i’m not myself and i sometimes would rather not be in love just to find myself again (actually, i think i was looking for myself and got interrupted by this love). i feel like i’m going to drive him away because i’m so nucking futs lately. love overload.

    confession: not having a job right now is making me a little more wrestless, which is adding to my insanity.

    confession: i miss Texas. but i don’t miss my ex as much anymore. i sometimes feel sad for being so happy with the new love in my life. i should stop owing my emotions to the past.

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