confession: i was going to write this week’s confessions at 3 a.m., but the bed wouldn’t let me get up.
confession: i sleep a lot now. i’d say it is disorienting (because it is), but i like not knowing when i’ll be awake. i used to be able to assume i’d always be awake, since i only slept three-ish hours a day. i like sleeping for long stretches.
confession: sleeping more means thinking less. sleeping more also means more quiet on the inside. quiet on the inside sits very close to peace.
confession: it intrigues my compassion to watch other people wrestle with their thoughts. the futility of that wrestling is obvious to me: no one wins and there is only one fighting. i do my best to apply that wisdom when i’m thrashing in my own head. i try to remember to float rather than flail.
confession: i’m reading a book written by a man who committed suicide at age 33. it is well-written with seeds of the author’s desperation scattered throughout the book, speaking through several characters. i suspect that his writing intentions were partly cathartic. cathartic artistic expression may have worked…up until the night it didn’t.
confession: suicide emerges as a viable option after an unbearably painful lifetime organically leads to the decision to end it. i reserve suicide as my back-up plan Z, only after i’ve exhausted plans A through Y, but that wasn’t always the case. i have intimate relations with reasons why people choose suicide.
confession: i miss oysters and scallops and shrimp and lobster and all the crustaceans i quit eating after katrina due to pollution in the gulf. now, the oil spill…. i miss new zealand mussels. i do not miss the kiwi who introduced me to them.
confession: i don’t miss any of my exes. at all. not even the mexican actress. the best of my exes have become close friends. i prefer that the others stay away.
confession: i care less about things than i used to. i’ve observed the less-caring trend for a while. i don’t judge it as positive or negative. if it is detachment, then i’d judge it as positive. if it is a breeze of apathy (lightly scented with depression), then i’d judge it as negative. i don’t know why i care less. i know that accepting rather than judging (myself and others) is who i want to be.