as far as i can figure (which is tricky, because nobody’s being honest about it), most dishonesty results from withholding the truth than by directly saying something false. we justify withholding the truth, pretending that since it isn’t lying that it isn’t also dishonest.
i’m not sure what we’re all afraid of. i say that in denial, because i don’t like what i know. i know that we’re trying to manipulate other people’s perceptions of us because we’re afraid of being judged. i know that we’re projecting our self-judgments on others because the things we withhold are the things for which we crucify ourselves in our own minds. as long as we’re judging ourselves, we’re also going to project those judgments onto others. as long as we judge ourselves and others, we’re going to lie about who we really are.
i’m withholding from you right here and right now.
there are things i judge myself for that i’m never gonna blog (therefore, the deleted confessions on some wednesdays). there are other things i accept about myself (26 years of being eating disordered, for example) that i write and speak openly about. i know you are the same. we are not so different. there are things you openly admit, share, and discuss. there are other things i will never know about you because you judge them as bad, wrong, hurtful, weak, bitter, and you are afraid others will judge you as you judge yourself.
it is much easier for me to release judgments of others and more difficult for me to stop judging myself. i know when i’m out of alignment with my own goals, values, and vision. i feel instantly guilty or defensive. i rationalize. i justify. i withhold it. i start writing about it, then delete it.
“The big question is whether you are going to be able to say a hearty yes to your adventure.”
i’m practicing a heartier yes.