last confessions of october

confession: i listen to a single song on repeat for days (and weeks). the song i’ve been listening to this week reminds me of someone specific, someone i hadn’t seen in a mighty long year, someone i saw unexpectedly last night, someone who looks and feels much differently than i remembered. he is better-looking, taller, and more charming in memory than real life. i hate it when that happens. listening to the same song today, i try to match the song to someone else so that i can continue to enjoy it in the same way.

confession: if i could, i’d wave my magic wand and make all the crazy disappear–yours and mine and hers and his.

confession: i like my friends’ cats more than mine.

confession: i miss the ex i’m not supposed to miss, the one i swear i’m grateful is gone. i am grateful, but i still miss him. i thought about driving past his house last night. i didn’t.  i haven’t returned to that neighborhood since the last time i saw him, nearly two years ago. he’s a drunk. he’s a selfish scared little boy in an adonis body, cowering behind lying eyes and a giantly over-developed jaw from heaving too much weight when he works out. yeah, i miss him, hate that i miss him, try to convince myself i don’t, and usually believe that i don’t.

confession: after it happened, i noted to myself that i said something i shouldn’t have to someone i shouldn’t have last friday night. tequila loose lips let fly uncensored thoughts that could have been presented more tactfully. i’m sorry i said it to her in that manner, that i didn’t anticipate her sensitivity and consider the possibility that she might perceive an insult where a compliment had been intended. she’s younger than i am and doesn’t know yet that nobody else’s opinion matters. she hasn’t yet recognized her power to choose her reaction. i know that my opinion of her doesn’t matter and i know it isn’t worth her offense or my guilt over saying it.

confession: too often, i drink three shots to make other people appear more interesting or social situations more tolerable. i’d be happier, healthier, and more content staying home alone. i’m certain i’ve confessed this before, but my application of this self-awareness rates a poor score.


About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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6 Responses to last confessions of october

  1. Renee says:

    I miss people like that all the time. Ex boyfriends, ex friends. People whom I am honestly better off without, but still sometimes missing them hits me like an ice cream headache. It’s awful. I hate it. But it’s how I know that I truly, deeply loved them, for better or worse and I’ve decided that that is one of my best qualities. (and NOT a personality disorder) 😉

  2. unsinkable/unbreakable says:

    Confession: I often look at two of my exes profiles on FB. I wonder how they are and what they’re up to but don’t dare try to make contact.

    Confession: I was expecting at least a text from THE ex on Monday. It didn’t happen and I’m realizing (slowly) that I’m ok with that. It is better that he is gone.

    Confession: I’m regretting being so forward with a particular someone but I had a moment of “OMFG, I LOVE YOU” and maybe said too much. It doesn’t really matter because I don’t know him very. Perhaps it is just as well.

    Confession: While talking about depression and anxiety the other day, I became anxious. Seriously anxious. I could feel my heart speed up and my blood pressure rise. I agreed I would never be on medications ever again. Coming off of a medication I took for 6 years is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

    Confession: Sometimes I wonder if there is someone in the shadows watching my journey who will some day step in and say, “You’ve done a really great job at living and being kind, here’s a million dollars.” Not because I believe in being kind to gain something from it. Cheesy, I know.

  3. GranDiva says:

    Confession: I have absolutely no remorse about the end of my relationship. I am absolutely, 100%, without a doubt done.

    Confession: Being resolved in my former relationship brings a sense of tranquility that I never expected. I’m very happy about that. I know that the douchery involved in said split has aided in such a speedy recovery.

    Confession: I have the need to purge more people from my life. I’m not sure who, but I know it’s coming. I already see myself pulling away from anyone negative, and those who prefer bitching to lauding.

    Confession: I’ve had your birthday present in my car for 2 weeks. I feel bad for not having yet sent it, but am thankful for you loving me enough to forgive me for this.

    I love you!

  4. GranDiva says:

    Ah–one more…

    A friend is giving me his 1 month old, REALLY nice, it’s new to me-bed this weekend. He offered it to me 3 weeks ago. I find it ironic and validating to be getting a new bed at the end of a relationship… something I’ve done with all former significant relationships. The radical change in hair is something I always do, too. God has an awesome sense of humor and amazing ability to affirm us in difficult times.

  5. Three shots is a powerful antidote. I stay home alone and drink with the lights off to get the best of both worlds.

  6. pixie sister says:

    confession: i might have done three jello shots last night. it might have been two. in between the cider and after the pumpkin ale it’s hard to keep track. i might still be in bed at 7:24pm because of this. i might be having the worst hangover i’ve ever had. but it wasn’t to make a social situation better, i was just having a grand ole time and forgot to eat and forgot i have no tolerance 🙂

    confession: i’m slightly sad i must now forgo any other halloween plans due to my helluva night last night. i do so love halloween.

    confession: i don’t miss any of my exes. even with an occasional dream about them, even with the one i’m still good friends with, i don’t miss any of them in “that way.” though i do miss lee if one considers her an ex which i don’t and still it wouldn’t be in that way 😉

    confession: i like my cat better than anyone else’s cat.

    confession: spelling is harder when hungover. i can’t remember what some words are supposed to look like.

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