confessions of a bad buddhist

confession: i went back to bed this morning because i didn’t want to do anything on my “to do list” today. then i had a nightmare about high school. i hated high school. i hate nightmares. i hate hating anything because it is non-accepting of what-is and entirely unenlightened behavior. i got up, took a diet coke from the fridge, and ate two dark chocolate kisses. i feel less hateful, while aware that i am behaving as an equally poor buddhist for seeking comfort in the material world. fuck it. i’m not enlightened this morning. maybe i’ll behave like a better buddhist this afternoon. maybe i’ll be enlightened this evening. all things are possible.

confession: i finally spent some time with the wife this past weekend…and found out that she is 12 weeks pregnant. she wasn’t pregnant last time i saw her…which reinforced to both of us how long i’ve been avoiding her. we’re okay except for not being much of a “we” anymore. i married her because i intended to be with her always, and we will be together the length of this life, but the form is changing. nothing turned out like we anticipated when we exchanged vows a decade ago. i wonder if anyone’s marriage turns out like they hoped, like they were sure it would because they loved each other.

confession: before she got pregnant with this second child, i had expressed concerns about my ability to take care of her and both children if/when things go awry with the children’s father. now that she is pregnant, i know i can and will do whatever is necessary when the time arrives. it amuses me in a non-ha-ha way how things i’ve been afraid of happening aren’t scary once they occur.

confession: i detached for a while, retrieving my energy from where i had been sending it. i compacted myself into a tiny box and stored everything inside. it maybe worked out okay for me but not so well for people around me. i’ve got to find another way, something that looks more like asking for help when i need it and giving what i want to receive.

confession:  the 22-year-old door guy hit on me last night. he is adorable, half-gay, and would have been perfect for me until a few years ago. now i’m too old (or too wise?) to even entertain the possibility. i feel maternal toward him. i gave him a big squeeze, kissed him on the cheek, and suggested he direct his attention to the 24-year-old redhead trying desperately to be noticed by him.

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About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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5 Responses to confessions of a bad buddhist

  1. Ren says:

    My take on the last one is wise.

    I used to say to myself, “no one who reminded me of my father or my sons”… and then somewhere along the way, “wisdom” overcame me and I could see both my children and my parents in almost everyone.

    I think at some point truly caring women become “maternal to the world” and our hearts open up to unbelievable proportions. I love you, hon! Strength for your journey!

  2. stacy says:

    confession: i feel very unenlightened. i question everything i want to say and then just don’t say it.

    confession: i miss you. i’ve retreated lately as well. i say it is because i am so busy. really it’s because i feel i have to justify where all my time is going. some of it is going to the important things. some of it is lost to facebook, useless worry and unimportant things.

  3. Pause for effect says:

    Your confession ranges from very deep, to very personal, to an interesting story that makes me smile.
    I can’t find the right one to comment on; Even though, I have thoughts about each.
    My only confession this week is that I am now sure that I deserve better. Your suggestions are proving to be very good for me. This story will develop more on Thursday, and you will be the first I share with.

  4. pixie sister says:

    funny, i thought buddhism didn’t include “bad” 😉

  5. GranDiva says:

    Confession: I used to be concerned with what I posted here because I’m almost 100% positive that the ex stalks this blog without ever commenting. After having her act like an asshole, and then passively aggressively throw my offer of friendship back in my face (like she did love and a future, etc), I no longer feel compelled to censor myself.

    Confession: I feel like I dodged a bullet.

    Confession: Just like I found the most amazing yoga studio that was perfect for me when I needed a change but was afraid to make one/look for one/lean into one appeared, the same has happened romantically. I’m ridiculously excited about this!

    Confession: It has dawned on me how much happiness I’d led myself to believe I had. I am happy, work makes me happy, the fact that my family is alive and well makes me exceptionally happy. But, romantically, I hadn’t been happy for a LONG time. I actually feel that I can breathe easier now, and I love filling my lungs. 😀

    Confesión: Para poder hablar con alguien en español, bailar toda la noche, reir por horas, discubrirla, y hacer todo en un idioma romantico me encanta. Ay esta mexicana me hechizó!

    Confesión: Eso dicho, no sé lo que trae mañana, pero no me importa. Estoy disfrutando del día de hoy sin preocuparme de lo demás.

    Confesión: Me encanta que hablas español.

    Te adoro muchísimo.

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