confession: i went back to bed this morning because i didn’t want to do anything on my “to do list” today. then i had a nightmare about high school. i hated high school. i hate nightmares. i hate hating anything because it is non-accepting of what-is and entirely unenlightened behavior. i got up, took a diet coke from the fridge, and ate two dark chocolate kisses. i feel less hateful, while aware that i am behaving as an equally poor buddhist for seeking comfort in the material world. fuck it. i’m not enlightened this morning. maybe i’ll behave like a better buddhist this afternoon. maybe i’ll be enlightened this evening. all things are possible.
confession: i finally spent some time with the wife this past weekend…and found out that she is 12 weeks pregnant. she wasn’t pregnant last time i saw her…which reinforced to both of us how long i’ve been avoiding her. we’re okay except for not being much of a “we” anymore. i married her because i intended to be with her always, and we will be together the length of this life, but the form is changing. nothing turned out like we anticipated when we exchanged vows a decade ago. i wonder if anyone’s marriage turns out like they hoped, like they were sure it would because they loved each other.
confession: before she got pregnant with this second child, i had expressed concerns about my ability to take care of her and both children if/when things go awry with the children’s father. now that she is pregnant, i know i can and will do whatever is necessary when the time arrives. it amuses me in a non-ha-ha way how things i’ve been afraid of happening aren’t scary once they occur.
confession: i detached for a while, retrieving my energy from where i had been sending it. i compacted myself into a tiny box and stored everything inside. it maybe worked out okay for me but not so well for people around me. i’ve got to find another way, something that looks more like asking for help when i need it and giving what i want to receive.
confession: the 22-year-old door guy hit on me last night. he is adorable, half-gay, and would have been perfect for me until a few years ago. now i’m too old (or too wise?) to even entertain the possibility. i feel maternal toward him. i gave him a big squeeze, kissed him on the cheek, and suggested he direct his attention to the 24-year-old redhead trying desperately to be noticed by him.