confessing in november sunshine

confession: in 2009 i went from devoted co-parenthood for the son birthed by my wife to a soul-withering hopelessness triggered by our escalating eating disordered madness which resulted in our estrangement. i entered 2010 in a rebound relationship with a girlfriend whom i didn’t resonate. i was hugely relieved when that relationship ended in july. as the year’s end rapidly approaches, the gifts of 2010 are three new friends-as-family, increasing physical and emotional health, and a slow-growing hope that my wife and i will find a new form for our relationship that honors who we are now and future possibilities. in honor of that hope, my wife and i have a date on saturday night. i am equal parts scared and excited, hopeful and wary of expectations.
confession: my body craves lean protein and fresh vegetables, but i feed it crackers, fiber bars, and peanut butter sandwiches because they are simplest, easiest, and least time-consuming. the queen of green beans left a batch on my doorstep on sunday afternoon. these green beans have been the highlight of my past three and a half days. i finished them for breakfast this morning. happiness resides in the little things; for me, happiness leaps from green beans.
confession: i could do better. i could eat better. i could do more. i could be more. my frustration and guilt for being and doing less drains my energy to do more. first thing first – release guilt and accept who i am and what i do. second thing next – do more and be better.
confession: i hold grudges more than i like to believe. my grudge-holding looks like withholding myself from the person who i believe hurt me. thing is, i only give people i deeply care about the power to hurt me, and if i isolate myself from them, then i hurt more and for longer. if you were in the room with me, you’d see me waving my imaginary magic wish-granting wand guaranteeing instant forgiveness and an end to grudge-holding.
confession: i can telepathically hear your confessions…the ones you don’t type. stop shaming yourselves and start accepting yourselves. if you typed them (in the comment section or to me privately), emptying them from your brain onto the screen, you’d see they aren’t as dreadful as you believe and the feelings might shift without another thought or action. you could try it. 😉

About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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6 Responses to confessing in november sunshine

  1. Tamika says:

    Confession: Today, I’ve spent more time doing personal shite (including facebooking on my personal computer) than teaching my students. I’ve created an interesting online assignment so that I can do this. I should feel bad about it, but in reality, I’m ready for my Thanksgiving vacation.

    Confession: I feel like I need to reel myself in from fawning over la mexicana, but it’s a little hard. (we are on lesbian speed!) To that end, there is a dinner with another “friend” this evening to shake things up. (this was set up while facebooking while I should have been teaching) I think this is probably a bad idea.

  2. unsinkable says:

    Confession: About a month ago, I asked a girl I didn’t know to dance with me. I’ve since developed feelings for her and we had our first make out session. It was awesome. I don’t question my sexuality and would have no problem showing this girl affection in public.

    Confession: I’ve only been with one other girl. It was last year and tequila induced. After kissing this last girl, I don’t think I could ever be with the first girl again though we do have random meet ups here and there

    Confession: I may be drinking too much lately. I’m not sure that it is a problem but I may be compensating by drinking. Sometimes I do this with food too.

    Confession: I got a late night text from a number that wasn’t in my phonebook. When I discovered who it was, I said out loud, “Oh my fucking God, really?!” An old friend I met while traveling through Colorado in 1998. I’ve always liked him more than friends. He is in the middle of a divorce and I’m sad to live so far away from him right now.

    Sending you love and strength, sweet one. Have a nice date on Saturday. Xoxo.

  3. tamika says:

    Confession: I just canceled the dinner tonight. *shaking my head* Sadly, I know this was predictable for you, diva sister.

  4. spontaneous choreography says:

    confession: i’m relieved.

  5. Confession: I had food poisoning and took the opportunity to eat a Sonic Double Cheeseburger, snickers bar and a packet of ginger nuts (biscuits). Empty calories that soon emptied. After three days of water and misery, I eeked back onto white bread and eggs. Then f*@k it! Pecan pies and anything else unhealthy that I can possibly stuff into my poor weak body.

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