thanksgiving eve confessions

confession: sometimes i utterly forget my goal of enlightenment. in those moments i am bitchy, sad, or scared. i had several of those moments yesterday.
confession: i bought gifts online last night with coupons for early black friday shopping. i bought a lot a lot a lot a LOT of presents. i don’t give christmas gifts because i don’t celebrate christmas, but diva sisters, ex-girlfriends, and other friends have birthdays in december, january, and february.
confession: monday was soul friend’s birthday. i picked him up from the airport and we spent the day-into-night together celebrating. i exchanged emails with my best friend living in europe on tuesday morning. i met my other best friend for tea on tuesday afternoon which lead into dinner. two days in a row connecting with all three of my best friends gave me more to be grateful for than turkey, football, blood-relations, and shopping ever could.
confession: i’m hiding til friday. for a few hours on thursday, i’m drinking bloody marys with four people who won’t hassle me about not eating.
confession: there are 15 voice mail messages on my phone from the past three and a half weeks that i haven’t listened to. the last one is from my favorite ex-girlfriend that i haven’t seen in a year and a half. i want to know what she said, but obviously not badly enough to listen to my messages. i emailed her yesterday…inviting her out next week.
confession: last thursday night while dancing i thought i recognized a long-lost ex-girlfriend on the dancefloor. i spent the next hour thinking it was her, hoping to catch her eye, wondering what i would say to her after 17 years. it wasn’t her. i was disappointed. really disappointed.
confession: it doesn’t feel like my birthday anymore. i wish it did. i guess i’m not celebrating for six months afterall. although, a couple people have still promised me presents. presents make it feel like my birthday.
confession: i’m already planning my escape from next year’s summer heat.
confession: i cried yesterday long and hard. i cried because i’m too fucked up to eat on thanksgiving. i cried because i’m ashamed that i had to admit to the one who invited me to thanksgiving dinner that i’m too fucked up to eat on thanksgiving. i cried because i’m not grateful enough for things i take for granted without realizing it. i cried because i push away from love. i cried because my heart closes when i’m afraid and it is painfully difficult to open it again. i cried because i’ve got a surplus of tears. i cried because i’m not dancing on thursday night and dancing is my happy place and every other year i’ve been in austin for thanksgiving or christmas, i’ve gone dancing. i cried for reasons i don’t understand. i cried and cried and cried and drove fast with the top down and the music turned up until the tears dried.

About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to thanksgiving eve confessions

  1. tamika says:

    Crying with you, my dear.

    For some reason, I can’t get away from unavailable people. I’m tired of this, and the carnage it leaves.

    I would love to leave the hubub of the week and not eat with you.

    Time for a new relationship–one with a pair of running shoes.

  2. unsinkable says:

    Confession: I usually find joy in other’s happiness but today I can’t. I’m sad about the holidays and not being with my family because my job dictates what and when I can do.

    Confession: I’d quit my job if I could. Not just because of the holiday think but because things there never change. They let good people go and allow those with awful sills and behavior to continue on. This makes a lot of people at my work sad.

    Confession: I hate most of the food served at Thanksgiving dinner and will most likely not eat either.

    Confession: I had a very late night breakfst with a guy I really like.

    Confession: I may not really like him but the idea of him is nice

    Enjoy your few days in hiding and drink a bloody for me. Sending you hugs and love

  3. Ron Malibu says:

    confession: I’m secretly planning to get away from all summer’s heats. Not in a committing suicide way, but in a getting away from the best little hot house in Texas way.

  4. Zengoddessjen says:

    Confession: I will be not eating with you on Thanksgiving. I’m not a fan of my family and definitely not a fan of my family member’s cooking. Besides, I can sleep more soundly without the extra pounds that the stress eating will inevitably cause. (If my mouth is busy eating then I don’t have to talk to people, right?)

    Confession: I’ve decided replacing eating Thanksgiving dinner with copious amounts of vodka and a shot of tequila in your honor is much better for me anyway.

    Confession: As much as I am happy to be out of a 13 year-go-nowhere-not honoring myself-relationship, the upcoming holiday season makes me unmeasurably sad. Christmas was our time together. It was our ONLY time together that was never missed. Not once in 13 years. This year will feel empty. I hope to fill it with new memories and a new snuggly blanket in some fabulous print like leopard to go with my brand new queen sized bed and satin leopard print sheets. The diva must be honored…the diva must be honored.

    Confession: When I read unsinkable’s confession about their job, I started looking around my office to see who might know you. I feel their pain and get what they’re saying.

    Confession: I haven’t been dancing in years (except alone in my room or by the dark of night in the rain). I need to dance more and flip the people who have an issue with my weight the bird. Truth is, I’m fabulous and sexy no matter what.

    Confession: Waiting for the results of all my medical tests has me nervous. The bad news: due to the large number of cysts that have been found in my reproductive organs, my body has thought it was pregnant for years. The good news: hopefully with the right treatments the cysts will go away and so will my current physical issues (weight, back, etc.)

    Confession: I’m tired and need a vacation…badly…but can’t afford one. Truth is, I can barely afford to pay attention these days.

    Confession: I can’t send your gift without your address (and yes, I suck that bad)

    Love you

  5. Pause for effect says:

    Confession: I think I let my coach down this week and I feel bad about it. She encouraged me to be free, got that part done, but I then jumped right back into another envelope.
    I want her to know, that I know, she is right but four months of emotional neglect from my ex leaves a guy needy and lonely. Along comes someone who enthusiastically fills that void and well, it happens. I’m not sure where I am going or why but I am happy and I will be careful.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s