confession: sometimes i utterly forget my goal of enlightenment. in those moments i am bitchy, sad, or scared. i had several of those moments yesterday.
confession: i bought gifts online last night with coupons for early black friday shopping. i bought a lot a lot a lot a LOT of presents. i don’t give christmas gifts because i don’t celebrate christmas, but diva sisters, ex-girlfriends, and other friends have birthdays in december, january, and february.
confession: monday was soul friend’s birthday. i picked him up from the airport and we spent the day-into-night together celebrating. i exchanged emails with my best friend living in europe on tuesday morning. i met my other best friend for tea on tuesday afternoon which lead into dinner. two days in a row connecting with all three of my best friends gave me more to be grateful for than turkey, football, blood-relations, and shopping ever could.
confession: i’m hiding til friday. for a few hours on thursday, i’m drinking bloody marys with four people who won’t hassle me about not eating.
confession: there are 15 voice mail messages on my phone from the past three and a half weeks that i haven’t listened to. the last one is from my favorite ex-girlfriend that i haven’t seen in a year and a half. i want to know what she said, but obviously not badly enough to listen to my messages. i emailed her yesterday…inviting her out next week.
confession: last thursday night while dancing i thought i recognized a long-lost ex-girlfriend on the dancefloor. i spent the next hour thinking it was her, hoping to catch her eye, wondering what i would say to her after 17 years. it wasn’t her. i was disappointed. really disappointed.
confession: it doesn’t feel like my birthday anymore. i wish it did. i guess i’m not celebrating for six months afterall. although, a couple people have still promised me presents. presents make it feel like my birthday.
confession: i’m already planning my escape from next year’s summer heat.
confession: i cried yesterday long and hard. i cried because i’m too fucked up to eat on thanksgiving. i cried because i’m ashamed that i had to admit to the one who invited me to thanksgiving dinner that i’m too fucked up to eat on thanksgiving. i cried because i’m not grateful enough for things i take for granted without realizing it. i cried because i push away from love. i cried because my heart closes when i’m afraid and it is painfully difficult to open it again. i cried because i’ve got a surplus of tears. i cried because i’m not dancing on thursday night and dancing is my happy place and every other year i’ve been in austin for thanksgiving or christmas, i’ve gone dancing. i cried for reasons i don’t understand. i cried and cried and cried and drove fast with the top down and the music turned up until the tears dried.