life may be meaningless. it might be. i’ve often felt that it is. (feelings often lie.) but, if i believe life is meaningless, i can’t get out of bed. if i want to get out of bed, i have to believe that i can make my life meaningful, even if life is not inherently meaningful. how do i do this?
honestly, some days i don’t. some days i stay in bed. but today i got out of bed. i got out of bed because i have an ingrown toenail that is painfully infected and i’m afraid of getting a staph infection and dying from it before i have the opportunity to spend another new year’s eve in paris doing the hokey pokey in the courtyard in front of the notre dame with people from all over the world. i wanted my toe to stop hurting. this is the real reason i got out of bed. once i was upright and had addressed the toenail, i figured i might as well eat cereal and drink generic diet cola. as long as i was upright, fed, and had popped the top on another can of diet cola, i decided to turn on the computer, sit down, and write. i wrote hundreds of words that felt meaningless. (feelings often lie.) i deleted them. then i sat here to write what might be meaningless words for you to read. i don’t know why you come here to read them, but i know why i write them. i write them because even if life is meaningless, i have to make my life meaningful, and once in a while i can loop words together that connect my heart with the Heart That Holds Everything. once in a while words help me integrate my experience and weave a blanket of peace that comforts me. i feel less broken and more whole when i understand the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs jagging along inside me, outside me, beyond me. even if life is meaningless, i want to be whole. i want to heal what is broken and what hurts. i want to avoid staph infection. i want to do the hokey pokey and turn myself around. i want to sing and dance and clap my hands and laugh and smile with people from all over the world. today the hokey pokey is what it’s all about.