it has been several years since i’ve FALLEN in love. prior to that, i fell in love with someone new at least every two years (and sometimes more often) since the age of 12. yes, i know that falling in love is an illusion and not real love. i know the difference, depth, and gift of truly loving and accepting someone rather than choosing to be with someone until he or she fails to match who you want them to be. i know that falling in love is an addictive rush of endorphins that makes one feel briefly and intensely ALIVE. i’ve never been an adrenaline junkie, but for most of my life i’ve been an endorphin junkie. endorphins are the reason i run, eat chocolate, and orgasm daily. endorphins are the reason i laugh at almost everything. endorphins are the only reason i sometimes wonder if i miss the specific high of falling in love. i never miss the tearful low.
my heart continues to break, but not from disappointment or betrayal. my heart breaks open from loving people as they are without asking them to do or be anything for me, without any need or desire to receive anything from them. i want to receive only what someone freely wants to give me, nothing more or different from that. my heart breaks open, and although the growing pains hurt, the pain is eased by opening even further.
i don’t fall in love anymore. i fall into peace. i fall into a moment of silent stillness where i welcome whatever i find. i fall into my ever-opening heart and drop into its depths and appreciate the dark and the light without preference. i fall into the joy that is calm, consistent, and lasting, contrasting the temporary happiness and endorphin rush of falling in love.
when i write or speak of falling in love in my ordinary everyday blogging-and-not-blogging way, i’m not usually talking about the romantic illusion of love. i’m referring to moments of peace that i experience as pockets of true love. several posts ago, i wrote that the fastest way to make me fall in love with someone is to dance with me in the aisles of the grocery store, to help me feel safe. in those moments, i fall into my ever-opening heart. i feel most ALIVE when my heart opens wider. the truth is, i’m going to love you no matter what you do or don’t do for me. i love better and truer in moments of joy, calm, and peace.