i received a text message on friday night that was notable for two reasons: it was from someone in my inner circle and it contained an inherent but indirect plea for help. i canceled my prior plans and was at this person’s side within 45 minutes. sometimes i gotta be other than where i planned to be and i’m at peace with those decisions when where i’m meant to be is clear. i’m big on making plans but kinda small on keeping them and my beloveds trust me with the freedom to change my mind and my plans.
there are a handful of people in this world i would drop everything for. i’m not sure they all know who they are. this one almost seemed surprised that i was sitting next to him, holding-waiting-listening-being-there. he shouldn’t have been surprised since i know that he would do the same for me. of the people i would drop everything for, most would reciprocate. a couple would not. i often question the imbalance in those relationships. i question why i remain in them. because i don’t have answers to the questions, i keep asking.
i can live with the questions. i can live in the ambiguity of what may be and what may not be. i’m often relieved that people and situations and even myself are not as i believed they were. maybe i’m wrong about who would show up to hold me after an indirect plea for help. maybe i’m wrong about most things. but i know without any doubt that there are people i’m going hold together while they fall apart if they want me with them. recounting the mental list of people who have held me together when i’ve fallen apart, i realize the list is longer than i first thought. more than a handful have seen the sloppy mess i become when my heart breaks with pain. more than a handful have watched my face go bright red, tear-streaked, and snot-dribbled when the crying won’t stop. for those of you who have sat with me in moments like those, thank you. thank you for being with me, ensuring i knew i was loved and not alone. none of us is alone. help is available. just ask. and if you can’t ask (as i often can’t), send out an indirect plea signaling us to your pain in order that we may come running to love you up-close and full-on.