confession of “if…”

confession: on monday i wrote an honest, vulnerable, risky letter to my mother and sent it via email. for the past 47 hours, every time i open my email account, i drag a pile of dread in anticipation of her possible response.
confession: when i sit quietly at the keyboard typing my thoughts in front of the open balcony door with the wind blowing over me and dispersing the nag champa incense burning twelve feet away, i feel absolutely at peace.
confession: i’m instantly happier on cloudy days. the sun and i are not friends.
confession: yesterday i wished i could survive on diet dr. pepper and cigarettes. smoking is too much work for my non-smoking lungs and diet dr. pepper only feels good in my body for 15 minutes. but it was a real wish in the moment.
confession: i’ve been playing ryan bingham non-stop for a week. he sings, “my past is pretty rocky and my future ain’t long.” i feel like that sometimes. and sometimes i feel like i’m only at the beginning of my real life, that i have 50 years ahead of me that stretch unforeseen and promising more than i can imagine. or maybe i’ll die in a car accident tomorrow. if i died tomorrow, if i knew that today was the last day of my life, i’d spend it differently. i’d take the twenty packages of sparklers in my hall closet to the top of mount bonnell and burn them in dedication to every happy memory. i’d call my best friend in switzerland and giggle that “it’s finally over.” i’d write a letter to pixie sister reminding her of the things she forgets when she’s depressed. i’d skip tequila and the various pills i have stashed for “special occasions” because the time to drink and drug would have already passed. i want to be sober for the last day of my life, happily celebrating without mourning. but, since it is more likely that i have 50 years stretching unseen ahead of me, i’ll sit here, without calling best friend or writing to pixie sister, without sparklers at mount bonnell, listening to ryan bingham on repeat and decide what i want to manifest today, tonight, and tomorrow.

About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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4 Responses to confession of “if…”

  1. stacy says:

    confession: i feel guilty for happiness. guilt does not serve us. i remind myself that i am a hermanifestation of divinity. it is not my job to deem myself worthy of abundance. i am…that i am.

    confession: i feel your dread with you but am reframing it. the threads of dread we are weaving are actually making a beautiful, safe cocoon where you know and i know that you will be loved. we are love. we mother ourselves and each other.

    confession: i feel closer to my husband than i have in several months. communication has been so much easier, open. ah…i am basking in our relation.

    confession: i think and re-think what i tell my tear-prone 4 year old. i remember a little girl on a swing and temper my desire to say “quit crying at the drop of a hat (sometimes it can be literally her bow falling to the floor or some seemingly insignificant thing) and use your words” and say instead “can you tell me why you feel like crying so much today?” Questioning always works better for me anyway. Although, I am not sure how to fix it when she tells me she’s crying because she’s requested “old mcmorrison had a farm” and I am not singing it right!

    confession: i have a professional meeting this weekend where I will meet people with whom i have only communicated formally through email. i hope my propensity to lavish them with texas-style food products and insanely good tea is not seen as crass or ass-kiss. I’ll share with everybody…already making excuses.

    confession: i excuse myself too often. i need to get in touch with the weezer i plan to be someday. “Take these homegrown tomatoes and smoke ’em as far as I’m concerned because i can’t stand to eat the things!” someday…she already lives in my brain!

  2. S.N.W. says:

    Confession: I wear headphones at work but rarely listen to music just so people won’t try to talk to me. Also, people will say more if they think you can’t hear.

    Confession: I haven’t had sex with my boyfriend in a year, give or take; I don’t remember because remembering forces me to confront this thing I’ve become good at avoiding. Avoiding is easy. Confrontation is death.

    Confession: I live in the fear of losing: Losing people, my cats, losing in the sense of coming in last. Losing balance. Losing drive. Losing my mind.

    Confession: I’m jealous of my sister and cousins and girl friends and I constantly compare myself to them. Sometimes I come out on top. Most of the time it reinforces my inferiority. Either way, it keeps me at a (safe) distance.

    Confession: I compare myself to strangers too.

    Confession: Sometimes, during arguments, I get the sense that I’m acting out a scene in a play or movie. I become detached, as if witnessing from another, more distant view. I care about being witty. I care who the pretend audience will root for. I need a laugh track.

  3. Best Friend says:


    I love repeating your words over and over to myself: I don’t miss…. even thou I think of them alot.

    I got excited that I read in your blog that it ‘might’ be all over….. that delighted me to no end…. Because I realized today that the knowing has just begun and I have so many perspectives to shift that it seems daunting and crazy that we dreamt any of this up to be appealing or fun…. the What If….. took a really bad turn somewhere !!

    I love to breathe, I quit smoking yesterday for good….. Finally…. and the confession for Real is that I love to breathe….. I actually love life.

    I thought of you dying today in the shower….. and I realized that even when you are gone, I will always have you with me….. you are Always with me.

    When i get into bed at night I am so grateful for my cashmere blanket…. it brings me so much joy it’s silly…. I feel very blessed sliding underneath it.

    I have found so much appreciation for my relationship with R at this time…… so much appreciation for a partnership that you were trying to tell me about on our walk.

    I really have been enjoying being Alone.

    I don’t know if I want another relationship…… I don’t ever want to compromise my expression in any way.

    I think about sex with men often.

    I think about you all the time…… the difference is….. I really miss you….. AND I Always feel you with Me.

    I love you.

  4. Tamika says:

    Confession: I am no longer angry about last week’s revelations. The good thing about me getting REALLY pissed and venting REALLY well is that I get over it pretty quickly. 🙂

    Confession: I feel trapped with an old tie to the ex because of a contract. I hate that I cannot change this situation without a large financial investment. It irks me that trust often comes at regrettable cost.

    Confession: I’m tired, but am looking forward to a nice restful vacation. I feel like I need a vacation from the last few years.

    Confession: Love you. Miss you. I hope to see you soon. :*

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