confession: on monday i wrote an honest, vulnerable, risky letter to my mother and sent it via email. for the past 47 hours, every time i open my email account, i drag a pile of dread in anticipation of her possible response.
confession: when i sit quietly at the keyboard typing my thoughts in front of the open balcony door with the wind blowing over me and dispersing the nag champa incense burning twelve feet away, i feel absolutely at peace.
confession: i’m instantly happier on cloudy days. the sun and i are not friends.
confession: yesterday i wished i could survive on diet dr. pepper and cigarettes. smoking is too much work for my non-smoking lungs and diet dr. pepper only feels good in my body for 15 minutes. but it was a real wish in the moment.
confession: i’ve been playing ryan bingham non-stop for a week. he sings, “my past is pretty rocky and my future ain’t long.” i feel like that sometimes. and sometimes i feel like i’m only at the beginning of my real life, that i have 50 years ahead of me that stretch unforeseen and promising more than i can imagine. or maybe i’ll die in a car accident tomorrow. if i died tomorrow, if i knew that today was the last day of my life, i’d spend it differently. i’d take the twenty packages of sparklers in my hall closet to the top of mount bonnell and burn them in dedication to every happy memory. i’d call my best friend in switzerland and giggle that “it’s finally over.” i’d write a letter to pixie sister reminding her of the things she forgets when she’s depressed. i’d skip tequila and the various pills i have stashed for “special occasions” because the time to drink and drug would have already passed. i want to be sober for the last day of my life, happily celebrating without mourning. but, since it is more likely that i have 50 years stretching unseen ahead of me, i’ll sit here, without calling best friend or writing to pixie sister, without sparklers at mount bonnell, listening to ryan bingham on repeat and decide what i want to manifest today, tonight, and tomorrow.