the first confession begins as a lie

confession: i’ve fallen in love with roadtripping. that’s not true, but i want it to be. i want to love hours trapped in the car drowsy from road hypnosis. i’m trying. i’m learning what works for me: take two excedrin tension headache caplets before i get in the car and practice driving meditations…seeing how long i can keep my mind entirely blank other than the attention required to drive safely (52 minutes is my current record).
confession: i went deeply enough into nowhere that i could see the milky way and visit a friend. time outside of the car passed too quickly. i need more night and less day. summer nights flash by and the sun beats down again, burning me.
confession: songs on repeat, songs sinking into my cells, new songs, songs i know he’s never heard before and would never listen to, songs that are all mine and shared with millions of other people, but none of those millions are him. i know that she hears these songs, too, that she listens to them, sings along with them, loves them as i do. i also know that she never thinks of me when she hears them. i’ve never thought of her when i listen…until now…until i thought about him never hearing them.
confession: my 20th high school reunion is this weekend. just like in high school, i’m fretting too much about what i’m going to wear. ridiculous.
confession: i will be tequila tingling as i enter the bar full of people from my past on friday evening. i’ve imagined walking through the weekend sober as a kung-fu kill-bill-style training exercise, and i could do it, but it wouldn’t be much fun. if i were sober, i’d sit on the edge and watch rather than interactively participate. alcohol is the anesthesia that makes socializing less painful, still draining for my introversion, but less painful.
confession: i have no escape plan for the reunion. this is notable, because i always have an escape plan for social engagements.
confession: i have exceedingly high expectations for people with whom i engage in relationships. most people can not meet my exceedingly high expectations, but the few that meet and surpass them validate and reinforce the altitude of these expectations. obviously my expectations aren’t impossible or unreachable. i’m content to maintain them because i’m only satisfied in relationships where they are met.
confession: i’ve been doing my version of praying something that goes like “let there be consistency in my words, thoughts, and actions. let that consistency be a constant flow of love and healing.” i’d experience more peace if i were consistently loving, kind, and careful in word, thought, and deed. i’ve been hurt and hurtful. i’ve been impatient and unwilling. i’m sorry. I’m sorry for closing my heart and acting from damaged conditioning rather than opening my heart and being present to receive the gifts offered. i’m calling a do-over.

About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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4 Responses to the first confession begins as a lie

  1. complete says:

    confession: i am dreading the 12 hour road trip for the mom-daughter trip this year. 12 hours!!!

    confession: in all honesty, i am not much looking forward to the trip–very ambivilent–which means, the good will knock my socks off as i have low expectations…hmmm…that might be one of those confession/lies! 🙂

    confession: i love your mother-loving centered, child-apreciating beautiful self. thank you for all the gifts you bring, every day…

  2. renee says:

    Ha! The reunion! What to wear, what to wear… I’ve changed my mind a thousand times already. And yes, it is ridiculous. Not to mention the reappearance of the body-image dysmorphia that plagued me all through high-school and most of college until I changed my major from dance to english comp.
    Even though I go through most of my life completely stone-cold, kill-bill sober, I absolutely plan to be buzzing when I walk in there on Friday.
    And I will have an escape plan, too. Not sure what, but there will be one. (It might involve chain-smoking in the parking lot.)

  3. Unsinkable says:

    Confession: The person I really like is out of town. It is breaking my heart as much as I’m trying to not let it. I’m afraid he is going to go away for a long time shortly after he gets back.
    Confession: Part of my sadness comes from having HSV2 and fearing that I’ll never meet another person that I actually like that will fully accept who I am and what I have.
    Confession: I slept all day today and had crazy stress dreams the full 15 hours.
    Confession: I’m going on a date Friday with a boy I met on a dating website. I try to avoid meeting anyone new lately because I’m tainted.
    Confession: I feel totally fucked over and it is partially my own damn fault.
    Confession: I don’t want to have to have “the talk” with anyone and would rather be alone than face rejection. Life is a little sad for me right now.

  4. pixie sister says:

    do over!

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