what i can’t do (and what i can)

i have to do something difficult tonight. i have to communicate effectively, sensitively, and honestly. the honesty required has nothing to with the “not lying” variety. i’m referring to the purely loving naked honesty that identifies “this is what is true for my heart and this is what i can do and this is what i can’t do and i don’t know how to make this work between us because the way things are hurts you, me, and the kids, but i want to make this work and i’m willing to do and be anything i can possibly do and be for us to stay together, but please consider what i’ve already stated that i can’t do, because i can’t do that.” of course i feel guilty for things i can’t do. there are not many. most of the time i’m capable of accomplishing impossible things, but i can’t do “helpless” and i can’t do “trapped.” after spending a childhood trapped in a helpless situation, i vowed to my child self that once i got out, once i was free, that i would NEVER be in a helpless or trapped situation again. i’m proficient at creative problem-solving and flexibly wiggling out of tight and sticky spots. i’m resourceful and cunning and smart, especially when others are about to give up. i can do almost anything. i can communicate my thoughts, feelings, fears, hopes, needs, and desires honestly, sensitively, and effectively tonight. and, i need help. i need her help, because i can’t communicate alone. i can’t heal what is broken in our family by myself. i can’t be helpless and i can’t be trapped. she has choices to make. it isn’t fair for me to base my choices on hers, but nothing about our situation is fair. there is a domino effect in play and i’m looking for a gap to stop the tiles from taking down the next one and the next one and the next one and all the ones ahead. i have superpower vision, better than perfect and extra better in the darkness. i’m determined to see the gap that we can utilize to change course. i trust her to help me, to help us, to help the kids, to help herself. i have to trust her. trusting is even more difficult than communicating effectively, sensitively, and honestly for me. this is how we begin on monday….

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About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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2 Responses to what i can’t do (and what i can)

  1. complete says:

    i love you. i am praying for and with you…

  2. pixie sister says:

    wow. all i began on monday was a router table. i have faith in you. and i love you.

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