nothing to do

yesterday i got frustrated (i’ve felt frustrated plenty lately) because i felt like i hadn’t done anything all day (which wasn’t true). it is true that i had spent much of the day in the luxurious king-size bed with exquisite bright white sheets looking over the city and the bay through the giant balcony window wall. i took a nap in the morning. i took a nap in the afternoon. when i can sleep, i surrender to it, because usually i can’t. i thought. i meditated. i prayed in my own way, which is similar to thinking and meditating with directed listening. i wrote a story in my mind but did not write it on paper. i read without reading; i read by repeating passages of books i’ve memorized. i continually returned to looking out the open wall of windows. at 6:17 p.m. all of that felt like i’d done nothing, and i took my suddenly frustrated self out for a walk. three blocks later, i felt better, no longer frustrated, struck by a realization: i’m in vancouver for the weather and to watch fireworks and eat sushi. there’s nothing else i have to “do” here. anything else is extra. since i had eaten sushi between my morning and afternoon naps and seen fireworks the night before and savored every cool breeze, i’d already accomplished my vancouver objectives. why did i fret about doing nothing? what else did i think i ought to be doing?

i walked for hours, for miles, around the seawall, along the bay, tracing the peninsula, walking down the sun, hiking the stars out, stopping to let a skunk pass and later a family of raccoons, pausing to watch a white crane fish for its dinner and then fly away, and delighting at a pair of otters who toddled up the steps out of the sea onto the beach to sniff in my direction. i thought about the preceding questions and several more. i marveled at my masochistic frustration and ensuing forgetfulness. i am not here to do anything. i’m here to be gentle. i’m here to rest. i’m here to celebrate light via fireworks. i’m here to walk next to the sea in 68 degrees. i’m here to eat excellent sushi, even better than what i’ve eaten in korea or japan. i’m here to center in my heart. i’m here to clarify my goals and intentions. i’m here to be alone, quiet, away for a while, with nothing else to do.

may your weekend lighten your being. may your doing be light. may you remember who you are and be who you want to be.

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About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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One Response to nothing to do

  1. pixie sister says:

    highlights of my reading on self-compassion: “The good feelings of self-compassion don’t go away when we mess up or things go wrong. This means that unlike self-esteem, [they] do not depend on being special and above average, or on meeting ideal goals. Instead, they come from caring about ourselves- fragile and imperfect yet magnificent as we are… relax, allow life to be as it is, and open your heart to yourself.”
    Love You!

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