i was told last night that i’m a drama queen. minus the “queen” part because i identify more directly with angel, diva, goddess, or princess, i’ll take on the drama label. i know it is true, but it has been years since anyone saw that manifestation of me to call me on it. my drama is predictable and primarily internal. only the people closest to me see a hint of it and most of them have learned how to de-escalate me before the drama begins. i’m quick and easy to de-escalate, because i’d rather avoid my own drama cycle, since it is much worse on the inside than what emerges on the outside. once you’ve read my operating instruction manual, i’m easy to get along with. the tricky sneaky glitch: the instructions are written in invisible ink.
i could defend my drama as valid, rationalize it as an aspect of my passionate nature, explain the history and source of its pattern, but i’d rather acknowledge it, accept it, and choose a new way of being. whatever we didn’t get enough of as a kid sticks with us, becoming the things we chase or push away throughout our unhealed adulthood. today i’m pressing the pause button on my particular crazy ballad and taking inventory in the silence. there was plenty lacking in my childhood. as an adult, my needs and desires for these things seem insatiable. a therapist told me that i couldn’t be 37 until i was done being 11, meaning i had to address what happened, what i needed and didn’t get, what was stolen and must be recovered in order to move past it. i’ve addressed it for a couple decades. on the outside, it usually looks like i’ve moved past it. on the inside, it drives more of my behavior than i admit. i want to be seen. i need to be loved. and yet, i shroud myself from being seen and forget to feel loved even though i’ve surrounded myself with people who love me completely. when i don’t feel seen, when i don’t feel loved, drama ensues. if you know me well enough to have witnessed this aspect of me, then you also know that the best way to calm me is to listen. after listening, hold me still (because i’m a squiggly one) and look into my eyes for a long moment, showing me that you SEE me. tell me that you love me and i’ll remember to snap out of it.