confession: until this past weekend, i hadn’t been on ebay since the year of its inception. ebay didn’t have much stuff and didn’t hold my attention when it first began. oh-oh-oh how ebay has matured since i last visited that playground. looking over my shoulder while purchasing with paypal, wizard asked me who the backlesss mesh men’s g-string was for (it looks like a jock strap without the jock protection). hmmm…i have a few ideas…but the truth is, i bought it because it was $.02 and 3 a.m. and i was drunk. oops.
confession: i am not a cougar in the traditional sense. i do not approach or seek out younger men. however, they hit on me. i am the hunted cougar. my claws need a good sharpening.
confession: i have a new gay boyfriend…who is straight. i’m thrilled to have a new gay boyfriend and startled that he is straight. (no, he isn’t confused. he can’t help that he was born straight.)
confession: years ago my favorite night of the week to go out was monday nights at mother egan’s when seth walker played and the crowd drank whiskey and broke out our best swing dance moves. for many years, i’ve missed those monday nights. recently, monday nights have re-emerged as my favorite night to go dancing: now at hole in the wall where leo rondeau plays some damn fine polkas.
confession: i eat way too many rice cakes. i eat them because they taste like crunchy salty air and i like that.
confession: i’m restless. i’m restless on the inside and restless on the outside and i’m looking for safe adventures to stimulate my go-go juice and to avoid riskier ones that might hurt me or someone else.
confession: if i had my life to live over, i’d make ten thousand different choices. if i had the past three years to live over, i’d choose differently in significant areas. i wonder if two years from now i’ll wish i was making different choices these days. i think so, which is why i’m trying to make the different choices right now.
confession: i can see that the last three years’ worth of choices that i’d make differently began in one relationship with farther-reaching consequences than i recognized at the time. if i could, i would go back and yell to myself “NO! NO! NO! PLEASE DON’T! don’t leave. don’t give up. please stay.” i’ve been making up for leaving and giving up while simultaneously re-playing the leaving and giving up in newer relationships and i’m starting to think that it is impossible to make up for leaving and giving up no matter how hard you try to show up and hope once again.
confession: rejection is protection. there is a friend by whom i’ve felt rejected. he isn’t aware of my feelings. he doesn’t intend to reject me. but he’s made other things more important and doesn’t make time for me, which feels like a form of rejection, and i repeatedly remind myself that in situations such as these, “rejection is protection” because the relationships that fade or recede or grow apart always do so at the perfect time for reasons i can not see as it is happening, and new friends enter before the old ones have made their final exit, and i’m welcoming the new ones already. every little thing is gonna be alright. my heart receives the gifts of people exiting as new people enter.