confession: i talk to myself. outloud. all day long. i spend most of the day alone in my dark otherwise-quiet cave with two cats who ignore my one-sided dialog. usually i don’t notice that i’m talking outloud because it is natural for me, something i’ve done since i was a young child. i only notice when i’m walking from my car up three flights of stairs to my apartment and i pass one of the two dozen neighbors that live in my building and they stop to stare at me and then walk quickly away. yes, i’m la chica loca who listens to the same song on repeat for hours and talks to herself and goes running late at night and drives 30 mph in the parking lot and wears very short skirts and even shorter shorts to go out at midnight and often doesn’t return until sunrise. yes, i’m that girl. thank god i’m that girl, because this is the girl i want to be.
confession: last saturday night i kissed two of my straight guy friends in greeting and goodbye the way i kiss my gay guy friends in greeting and goodbye. the first guy initiated it. the second guy i surprised. i ought to kiss them all. these lips were made for kissing friends hello and goodbye.
confession: last saturday night i walked into a bar, made direct and sustained eye contact with a girl who looked familiar but i couldn’t place. i realized a few moments later, after i had looked away, that she was an ex-girlfriend. i savored that moment of non-recognition. i’m grateful that she is so far removed from my consciousness that i don’t recognize her anymore.
confession: last night i had the non-fight never-ending often-repeating argument with someone i love. we have irreconcilable differences in perception that cause disagreements, misunderstandings, and hurt. unfortunately, the source of this conflict is too significant to skip over, but discussing it doesn’t help and only exhausts us.
confession: today at lunch i had a real fight with my straight gay boyfriend. we fight better than most. we fight fairly. we both raise our voices and intensity while remaining open to listen. he is learning to take two steps away from me and stop touching me when i am upset. i am learning to take two steps closer to him and hug him when he feels hurt. we are equals. we are gratefully relieved that our individual intensity never intimidates the other.
confession: this is the cheater blog post. the real one was bloody raw and revealing. i’ll wait two days and post it on wednesday when i remember how to be courageous and remember that i am safe.