early yesterday morning i had a breakdown to a breakthrough. the shell cracked because the broken insides have sharp edges that poke and tear whatever they touch. in the space created, there were many gentle “i’m sorry’s.” i typed one i’m sorry as an email, another i’m sorry as a message, another i’m sorry as a text, and i telepathed several i’m sorry’s to people on the other side of the grave. after the apologies, i forgave myself. after i forgave myself, the birthday celebrating began.
wizard and i have been celebrating our birthdays together for 20 years. his is the day before mine, which means about half of those years we’ve been hungover on my birthday. this year, because wizard turned 40, we began celebrating two months ago and i mentally prepared to scratch my birthday, figuring i’d be too hungover to enjoy it. i was wrong. i stopped drinking at 11:30pm, hydrated and took excedrin for the hangover that squeezed my brain at 5am as i went to bed, and woke at 9am feeling hungrier and happier than i expected. then it rained. rain is my favorite weather, not just because austin has been in a drought, but because rain makes the world seem shiny and new. i like shiny and new. i danced in the rain, which is the best gift i could hope for, a gift of shiny and new that i needed. in half an hour i’ll be chanting, stretching, sweating, and crying grateful tears in yoga class. this birthday is gently turning me inside-out. my insides need a good airing out. my insides belong on the outside today. my forgiving heart needs to breathe. my sharp edges need softening. my faith returns to grace. i’m gingerly gluing the broken pieces back together, creating a mosaic from the shards.