softening confessions

confession: waiting one more day is one of my wisest life philosophies. tuesday wasn’t significantly better than monday, but is was better enough to deliver me to wednesday, and wednesday feels somewhere in the neighborhood of grateful to be alive.

confession: i seriously misstepped last night. because i was hurt, deeply penetratingly hurt, i became very angry…in public. i lashed out in front of others. i should have saved it for a private conference. if i couldn’t hold it in (which i couldn’t), i should have invited the other participant with me outside, away from other ears and eyes. i was sorry last night. i am sorrier today. when i feel hurt and then angry in response to intense pain, i forget my manners. i forget social protocol. i forget to behave politely. i forget to communicate softly and gently. i fucked up last night. i’m sorry.

confession: because i regularly make grievous errors and monumental mistakes, i count on forgiveness from people who love me. the ones who truly love me always forgive me because they know i am doing the absolute best i can in each moment and that every day i strive to learn, grow, and become a better person.

confession: my list of things to practice lengthens. demonstrating softness, gentleness, and kindness, especially when i feel hurt, threatened, defensive, or angry has become the top priority. patience is a perpetual pursuit. pausing between my triggered pain and reacting from that pain is the most challenging (and rewarding) of the new practices.

confession: i eat better at his house than mine. he cooks for me. he doesn’t pressure me to eat, but he sweetly offers to cook every time i’m at his place. he dances in his kitchen while he cooks. i sit and admire his rump-shaking show.

confession: because we come from different backgrounds, we perceive the world quite differently, which creates much miscommunication, many disagreements, and sharp pain. we’re quickly learning to relate in healthier ways, because pain is highly motivating, and we unintentionally hurt each other in nearly every encounter.

confession: one of the gifts of anger is that i can FEEL something. i had gone numb to avoid feeling pain. anger is hotly passionate and points toward a target to fight for and against. i needed anger to blast my blocked energy past the frozen walls imprisoning me. on the other side of the walls, i need to ameliorate the anger and watch where pain pierces my thoughts, writing, dreams, and actions.


About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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