it has been to difficult to post blogs this week, not because they are difficult to write, but because i don’t know who will be reading them. someone new has been reading this blog and called me “stupid” for writing about the darkness that enfolds me and pushes me to suicidal thoughts. i explained to this person why i chose to post that blog, why i thought it was appropriate to post, why i felt it was important: i strive to create safe pockets for myself and others where sensitive and taboo subjects can be openly discussed. but since he called me “stupid,” i’ve begun to doubt myself and my blog-posting judgment.
i’ve learned much and quickly in the past two weeks. the person with whom i formerly would have wanted to share and discuss this recent growth is no longer available for friendship. i miss him, but what’s the point of missing someone who is gone? i’d rather honor his choice to leave without thinking about what and who are no longer with me. this is easier to accomplish when i focus on who and what surrounds me now.
i’m typing today from the bedroom shared by two little girls who aren’t little anymore. i’m facing a dreamy blue-hued poster of purple mountain background highlighting white horses on a sandy beach foreground. i’m sitting on a pink flower pillow at a turquoise desk protected by a giant ratty-haired well-loved doll and a small parrot. i slept for nine hours on the top bunk last night, because i haven’t slept on the top bunk of bunk beds since i was a girl at summer camp. i don’t remember my dreams, which means they didn’t disturb me. i awoke rested, or at least less tired, but i feel numb. i am numb. i’ve numbed myself to the influence of others who have the power to spark self-doubt.
i called the one that amplifies my doubt a few minutes ago, knowing i shouldn’t, knowing that he doesn’t know what i need or how to help me today, knowing that his false happiness (or is it real?) would increase my isolation. when i go numb, when and if i can, i remind myself to list my blessings. i begin with “i can see, i can hear, my arms and legs work. i can dance, i have food to eat, i have a home, i am loved at home and loved in the homes of friends all over the world.” i don’t have to brainstorm the list longer before i feel better, but underneath the first layer of feeling better, i still feel numb. i doubt the choices i’m making in my life. i doubt that they are good, healthy, and correct for my goal. i’m blessed more than most and i know it, but those blessings do not protect me from painful and difficult daily tests. safe havens make my life easier to endure. i need this blog to be a safe place. i need those of you who read it to feel safe to comment (or message me privately). i need to trust myself and what i post here. i need to believe that my life is meaningful according to the meaning i assign it and that what i do, write, and share contributes a safer and more loving community. i need to thank all of you for supporting me. in almost seven years of blogging, i didn’t realize how lucky i have been for never having doubted a single post until last week.