i’ve been attempting to outrun a bout with depression since july. at first, i thought i was trying to escape the oppressive texas summer heat. i blamed the heat for my downward spiraling mood. heat is a factor that negatively affects my mood, but it wasn’t the cause. for someone who considers herself confrontational rather than avoidant relative to conflict, i’ve been avoiding irresolvable conflicts in significant relationships this year. i’ve learned in the past few years that it can take a few years to end a relationship that has persisted for a couple decades. it appears to be over now. at least it is over for now. concerning the future, i don’t dare imagine what i’d like to transpire, because i don’t know what that would look like, i don’t know what i want, i don’t know what is possible.
confession: i’m tired of grieving. i’ve been grieving for years. grieving doesn’t end, won’t end, doesn’t give a damn about ending just because i’m tired of it.
confession: i lost respect for her. prior experience has taught me that i will lose respect for myself if i remain in a relationship with someone i don’t respect. i have to leave. if i stay, my disrespect for each of us will quickly disintegrate into an intense dislike for each of us which leads to mean and resentful behavior.
we didn’t talk about the irresolvable conflicts again, because i can’t gently discuss my feelings about these issues. because i don’t want to speak to her unkindly, i’ve avoided her. we didn’t say goodbye. we didn’t have a last hug, a last kiss, a last longing look, or apology. maybe we will have that in the future. in the meantime (if there is a meantime in this situation), i’m trying to forgive what i don’t respect and i hope she can forgive me for leaving.
i’ve only made vows to three people in my life. one of those broke the vows we exchanged when she left me without an explanation six years ago. now i’m breaking my vows with another by leaving her with only a partial explanation. the third person with whom i made vows is the only one i entirely trust. it is becoming increasingly difficult for me to trust myself or anyone else in the wake of broken vows.
love requires many qualities. trust, respect, caring, and compassion are the cornerstones of my intimate relationships. the foundations of my relationships are quaking. i’m running out the door and into the dark woods at night during a winter rainstorm. i can outrun the chilling winds, but i feel the cold raindrops on my face.