leap year confessions

confession: in a few hours i depart to florida for manatees, the atlantic ocean, everglades, cuban coffee, and old souls i’ve loved before and forever.

confession: i’m leaving my computer at home while traveling in florida. i’ll be offline until sunday. at this moment, that’s the aspect i’m most looking forward to.

confession: i have not actualized my potential. not even close. i’m not trying. i feel guilty for not trying. relative to my potential, i’m lazy and unmotivated and do plenty of good in the world but not nearly as much as i could and should. i claim that “thou shalt not should thyself” but i do it with this one because i should do more. i should be better. i could if i tried.

confession: the doctor told me yesterday i have PLENTY of time to change my mind about having kids. i replayed her comment in my head on repeat because it made me giddy. the real confession beneath that one: i can’t allow myself the possibility of having kids while feeling guilty for leaving and failing to protect the little boys living on the other side of town with my ex-wife. as i forgive myself for leaving her and them, i create space in my heart to consider the possibility of having children again someday.

confession: maybe 300 calories of golden raisins is what i needed to eat. maybe it was a binge. i can’t tell. not knowing what, when, and how much to eat are aspects of being eating disordered. i can’t discern hunger from need from want from craving until low blood sugar has my body trembling because i waited too long to eat anything. sometimes i pre-emptively eat, because i’m afraid of being hungry and an ensuing binge. i don’t know if i ate too many raisins or just the right amount. they tasted good. i ate a lot. eating disorders are perma-crazy all-day everyday exhausting.

confession: now is just as good a time as any for anything. i might as well begin.

confession: i’m still waiting to feel worthy of a pedicure. in the meantime, i’ve painted my toenails a color called “girly pink.”

confession: i bought a dazzling green dress for a quarter. i want to wear it everyday. it is too body-clinging and short to wear most places. this means i haven’t worn it yet, but it is waiting for me with six inch platform stilettos begging to strut with it.

confession: more coffee, please. and more coffee dates. and less chocolate. and more kisses. always more kisses all over my face…and other places if you are granted permission.

confession: i had that moment last night when i realized that my life is better without her. i stopped missing her. i felt bad for that. i felt strange not missing her, because missing her has been part of my daily ache for a few years. i became moodily uncomfortable. i had a couple shots of bourbon to forget her for a couple hours. today it remains true that my life is better without her and i no longer miss her. today i don’t feel bad about that. today i’m growing comfortable with this new state.

 

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About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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2 Responses to leap year confessions

  1. complete says:

    confession: i need to have the carpet shampooed. i won’t…not for a while because i feel like as long as the black hairs are in the house’s crevices, BlackHawk is still in our physical plane.

    confession: sweet girl got her car back yesterday. i am glad that she has her own wheels again, but i enjoyed the week of talks before and after school. i now know that hydrocodone sells for 6 bucks a pill. some girl wants to buy sweet girl’s if she has any left after wisdom teeth surgery. i checked, just to make certain, that sweet girl knew selling leftovers is illegal. i also confirmed with the surgeon that she not be given hydrocone or codiene…huge family history of allergies.

    confession: i know that i monitor, maybe smother with my mothering. i also know it has worked very well for this mother and this teenager, so i will keep doing it with this one. now the next one…ha! 😉

    confession: i was completely ignorant on how much roofs are! sweet good lord almighty…hold off on the hail for goodness sakes!

    confession: florida calls to me more than europe…perhaps sweet girl’s senior trip next summer will be to florida. of course i am going too…smothering or just involved mothering? lol

  2. pixie sister says:

    mmm coffee. if we were in austin at the same time we’d have a coffee date 🙂

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