confession: in a few hours i depart to florida for manatees, the atlantic ocean, everglades, cuban coffee, and old souls i’ve loved before and forever.
confession: i’m leaving my computer at home while traveling in florida. i’ll be offline until sunday. at this moment, that’s the aspect i’m most looking forward to.
confession: i have not actualized my potential. not even close. i’m not trying. i feel guilty for not trying. relative to my potential, i’m lazy and unmotivated and do plenty of good in the world but not nearly as much as i could and should. i claim that “thou shalt not should thyself” but i do it with this one because i should do more. i should be better. i could if i tried.
confession: the doctor told me yesterday i have PLENTY of time to change my mind about having kids. i replayed her comment in my head on repeat because it made me giddy. the real confession beneath that one: i can’t allow myself the possibility of having kids while feeling guilty for leaving and failing to protect the little boys living on the other side of town with my ex-wife. as i forgive myself for leaving her and them, i create space in my heart to consider the possibility of having children again someday.
confession: maybe 300 calories of golden raisins is what i needed to eat. maybe it was a binge. i can’t tell. not knowing what, when, and how much to eat are aspects of being eating disordered. i can’t discern hunger from need from want from craving until low blood sugar has my body trembling because i waited too long to eat anything. sometimes i pre-emptively eat, because i’m afraid of being hungry and an ensuing binge. i don’t know if i ate too many raisins or just the right amount. they tasted good. i ate a lot. eating disorders are perma-crazy all-day everyday exhausting.
confession: now is just as good a time as any for anything. i might as well begin.
confession: i’m still waiting to feel worthy of a pedicure. in the meantime, i’ve painted my toenails a color called “girly pink.”
confession: i bought a dazzling green dress for a quarter. i want to wear it everyday. it is too body-clinging and short to wear most places. this means i haven’t worn it yet, but it is waiting for me with six inch platform stilettos begging to strut with it.
confession: more coffee, please. and more coffee dates. and less chocolate. and more kisses. always more kisses all over my face…and other places if you are granted permission.
confession: i had that moment last night when i realized that my life is better without her. i stopped missing her. i felt bad for that. i felt strange not missing her, because missing her has been part of my daily ache for a few years. i became moodily uncomfortable. i had a couple shots of bourbon to forget her for a couple hours. today it remains true that my life is better without her and i no longer miss her. today i don’t feel bad about that. today i’m growing comfortable with this new state.