more confessions

confession: i crave croutons. the croutons i crave cost $.89, but i purposefully forget to buy them when i’m at the store, because foods that i “crave” are binge foods. croutons are a stupid binge food.

confession: if i were a totally different person, i’d be a lot nicer and extroverted and an excellent baker. truth is, i’m a pretty excellent baker, but the totally different person i’d be wouldn’t be afraid of eating baked goods, wouldn’t be afraid of gaining weight, wouldn’t have an eating disorder.

confession: if i were nicer, my closest friends would think i was less funny. i’m mean-funny, but only around people i trust, people who know that a pure heart and devout soul balance my mean-humor.

confession: i like people who are a little mean. i know that meanness is a self-protective self-defense mechanism. i like the challenge of inspiring mean people to love me, to trust me, to trust my love for them.

confession: i don’t like being mean, though. i don’t like being defensive or self-protective. i’d rather be wide open and vulnerable and trusting, but i’m usually not.

confession: on wednesday night i had the best time around a dining room table that i’ve had in life. later wednesday night i received a revelation that explained my relationship with him. on thursday night i had the best dance of 2012 thus far. on friday morning i had the best run i’ve had in weeks. on friday afternoon i had the best conversation i’ve had during daylight hours this spring. on friday night i wrote the best lines i’ve written in weeks. things are beginning to turn in my favor.

confession: i’d rather read books than write them. i write only because i have to write, not because i want to write. writing won’t let me go.

confession: i’d paint more often if someone else cleaned up after me.

confession: there is nowhere else for me to hide. there are places to escape, but i can’t hide anymore.

confession: i facebook-stalked everybody we knew because i wanted to see new pictures of the boys who were my sons. i found pictures taken on easter. i cried because they’ve grown. i cried because the oldest looks scared. i cried because the youngest is huge. i cried because my ex-wife looks like someone i used to know but don’t know anymore.

confession: i admitted that seattle is my new york, the place i’ve always wanted to live, the place where i’ll eventually live that won’t measure up to my expectations.

confession: sometimes i can’t hug some people enough. there aren’t enough hugs to fit all the love in my heart for that person.


About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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