i wanted a beer at 10:30 am but made myself promise to wait until 11 a.m., but i only lasted until 10:53 a.m., which isn’t as early as it sounds, considering i’d been awake for five hours and only slept four hours because the nightmares are back, and the beer i’m drinking is extra-ultra-light beer and i only have three left in the fridge, which isn’t enough for me to get drunk before i have to pee it all out anyway, and i don’t want to get drunk, i just want a beer and the fuzzy feeling a beer gives my head and stomach, because i want my thoughts to slip behind beer-manufactured clouds so that i can have a slightly different view of these things i know are true but don’t yet want to face, and i keep writing emails to him in my head, but i’ve only typed and sent two of them, because i don’t want to overload his inbox with my veiled neediness, but my neediness isn’t directed at him, isn’t asking anything of him, is only about me and for something only i can do for myself if i had the strength to do it.
i have the strength, but not the will. i have the strength, but not the desire. halfway through the first beer, it tastes like water, because extra-ultra-light beer tastes like water, and i wonder if maybe i ought to just drink water because i can’t remember when i last drank water, although i drank a diet mountain dew at 6 a.m. to prevent any possibility of falling asleep again and having another nightmare, but i wonder if my waking life is the real nightmare, and the nightmares of my dreaming self are merely the reflections.
i told him months ago that i’d teach him how to two-step. i haven’t taught him yet. he still wants to learn. he is looking into taking lessons since i haven’t taught him anything, and i feel like i’ve let him down, not because he feels disappointed, but because i do. my lack of follow-through disappoints me when it affects other people. my lack of follow-through matters little to me when no one else is involved, because i know i’ve changed my mind about whatever it is i said i would do. i decided it was okay to open the beer seven minutes before i promised myself i would, especially since i won’t finish it, since i’ll go shopping instead and buy him a present, buy him something i want him to have even if i match my strength and will and desire to do the thing i know i need to do, the thing that is best to do, the thing that will save me.