in four days

i made my trip to cape cod and boston quickly, from airport departure to roundtrip return i’m away from home a total of four days and six hours. i’m typing these words in the final two hours before the rental car is due back to its terminal. my thoughts, feelings, and perspective of my life situation have turned 87 degrees from days one and two of this trip through days three and four. i’m considering possibilities that i couldn’t create a few days ago. i’ve clarified what i want, what i’m willing to accept, what i’m willing to tolerate, and what actions i’ll take to regulate these boundaries.

1. i want to find my new center. because people who were once central to my life are no longer present, my sense of safety, trust, and healthy interdependence must realign to form a new cohesive core.
2. i want expansive spaciousness and a long length of time to explore and choose who, how, and what belong in the center of my life.
3. i’m willing to accept more love, tenderness, and grace in my interpersonal relationships. i’m willing to practice these qualities with everyone and apply these qualities in my relationship with myself.
4. i’m willing to accept more patience, understanding, and forgiveness as i make mistakes, learn, and grow. again, i’m directing these qualities to myself and with others.
5. i can no longer tolerate judgment, blame, or shame in my relationships. i will not judge myself, blame myself, or shame myself for my past mistakes or for the choices that were the best i was capable of making at the time. i will not tolerate toxic relationships in which others judge, blame, or shame me for mistakes or for choices which they disagree.
6. i will no longer tolerate denying who i am or what i need in order to avoid conflict with others. i will peacefully protect my wholeness and meet my needs in safe, responsible, emotionally mature relationships.

some of the things listed above may prove to be stretch goals rather than my instant reality. that’s okay. i’ll have opportunities to practice patience, understanding, and forgiveness with myself as i learn to achieve this list. i’ll have opportunities to practice patience, understanding, and forgiveness with others if they are unable to instantly cease judging, blaming, or shaming me. i want these things. i’m ready to claim, accept, and deserve these things. deep breath. let’s heal.

 

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About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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