confessions from berlin

confession: for five days in berlin i walked, i slept, i laughed, i played. for five days in berlin, i sunk deeper into myself, deeper into peacefulness and calm. for five days in berlin, i practiced listening to myself, to what i need, to what is true for me. on the sixth and last day, i broke down. i fell over the fence protecting me from harm and tumbled into the minefield of fear. one thought tore my peace apart. one thought terrified me. one thought made me afraid to come home and i crumpled to the floor. this thought may not even be true, but my fear of it being true separated me from five days of deepening peacefulness and calm. i cried. i ate chocolate because i didn’t want to feel what i was feeling. i cried. i ate pasta because i didn’t want to feel what i was feeling. i cried. i ate trail mix because i didn’t want to feel what i was feeling. i cried some more. i wrote an email to explain this fear and pain. i laid in bed and did my version of praying which goes something like this: breathing, breathing, pleading for whatever is out there or for whatever wisdom resides in me to direct me what to do next. i cried. i wrote an ending, because i need this fear to stop. i wrote pages and pages and listened as i wrote. i listened for the truth because the truth is hard to hear in the midst of fear and pain. i listened for love to speak, because love and fear speak different languages. i listened hard. i listened deep, i listened wide. i listened tall. i heard two phrases repeat: be tender. be kind.

confession: witnessing my breakdown, my best friend invited me to extend my trip. she invited me to stay in her home in berlin as long as i want, for as long as i need. i want to stay, but staying here won’t change what terrifies me at home. i have to go home eventually. i can’t postpone what hurts me, even though i’ve avoided this pain for the previous five days. avoiding the pain doesn’t make the pain hurt less. avoiding the pain amplifies the pain as bigger and more powerful than the original pain might have been. i have to go home. i have to confront this fear. i must tenderly, kindly tell this fear “no.”

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About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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