ideal vs. actual

ideal day for friday, august 10, 2012:
wake up at 7:30 am after restfully sleeping for 6.5 hours
meditate for 45 minutes and languidly stretch my body for 15 minutes
make french toast for breakfast and eat it slowly while sitting at the table looking at the treetops through the window
check email and respond to time-sensitive messages
return to bed to read for an hour
inspired by reading, write for an hour
jump on my trampoline for an hour
shower with every grapefruit-scented scrubbing and foaming product available
meet c for a long wine-soaked “late lunch” at eastside cafe because she was able to leave work early
giggle with c til our cheeks ache and guts cramp
hug c for an endless moment when we both take several deep breaths and settle into our hearts, feeling loved, being loved, knowing that somehow everything that is yet to be revealed truly will turn out better than we can currently imagine
go home to nap
after waking from a nap, follow my intuitive impulses to pursue creative adventures wherever they lead me until midnight

actual day, as it has happened thus far, friday, august 10, 2012:

woke at 7:30 am after 2.5 hours of restless sleep
spent the first five minutes after waking attempting to determine if the night before was a nightmare or if it actually happened as i was beginning to remember it
felt the pain in my arm and realized it had occurred in real life
long pause for feeling horrified and terrified
retrieved new ice pack for last night’s injuries
called insurance company to get referral for a specialist
called for an appointment with specialist (soonest available was next tuesday at 10 am)
cried
journaled
ate crackers for breakfast
cried some more
journaled some more
listened to wise folks give ted talks on youtube
wrote apology letter
delivered apology letter
cried
laughed a little
cried some more
skipped therapy
went shopping, bought panties, noticed that i always buy lacy underwear when i’m numbing my feelings via shopping
returned home
ate almonds and beef jerky for lunch
laid down with swollen eyes and swollen heart and swollen forearm
tried to corral thoughts spinning into dark directions which required me to get out of bed to fetch a pen and paper in order to write myself out of the darkness overtaking my mind
slept the not-quite sleep that startles to consciousness every 20 minutes
ate cherries and drank tea
jumped on trampoline for an hour
writing these lines and debating whether to post, edit, or delete
soon to get in shower where i hope to wash away this funk and sort my broken pieces into some semblance of wholeness
find something to wear, something colorful and easy and comfortable
drive south to meet a friend for tequila and girl-gushing-goodness that will slide me into a sweet and happy place for a couple hours
give thanks for another day lived
extend hope that tomorrow i will thrive
forgive yesterday
release fear
breathe
love
sleep

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About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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One Response to ideal vs. actual

  1. pixie sister says:

    and the specialist said?
    i love ted talks. love them.
    i love you. love you!

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