silver confessions

confession: when an old friend from high school whom i haven’t seen in many years facebook chatted me and asked “how are you?” i told him the succinct truth–i’m probably depressed, i’m sleeping a lot, i started seeing a trauma specialist because my ptsd is progressively worsening, and i want to stop making intentionally self-destructive choices obviously related to my abuse history. i knew those details were too much information. i didn’t care. if you ask how i am, i’m gonna tell you. if i ask you how you are, i want the real answer. i want to know how you really are. how are you, really? please tell me. i want to know.

confession: while doing a visualization exercise of a container to hold my anxiety in my appointment yesterday, my therapist couldn’t hide her surprise (and slight amusement) when my container turned out to be a huge metropolis-sized water tank with foot-thick steel-reinforced walls. she’s new to working with me. she doesn’t know yet how much anxiety my container will be required to hold.

confession: i quit blogging for a while because someone reading was taking what i wrote out of context and attacking me for it. i asked him to quit reading. whether he reads or not, i’m determined to protect my own integrity by doing, being, writing, and expressing what is true for me, regardless of others’ reactions.

confession: i am more vulnerable to certain people than i admit. i’m attempting to learn new ways of interacting with these people, strategies other than avoiding them or battling with them. i want more options. i’m open to new possibilities.

confession: i burned my tongue on microwaved meat. hours later, the burns on my tongue continue to radiate heat. i’m oddly consoled that “microwaved meat” sounds as disgusting as it tasted.

confession: my summer travels have concluded even though summer lasts another month in texas. i stay indoors until sunset. i get heat rash when i run at midnight, but i run anyway. i take three showers a day. i sit in the air conditioning with a fan directed at my naked body and attempt to work. i eat a lot of sugar-free popsicles and wait for october to arrive.

random riddle: what is a playground’s favorite kind of music?
answer: swing

confession: i’ve started looking at boots for my birthday, but i’m considering that this year i might end that tradition. this year i might begin a new tradition. this year i might change my attitude and expectations about my birthday.

confession: i found my first silver hair a few days ago. i plucked it. i’m flirting with the idea of gracefully transforming into a silver-haired goddess. in the meantime, i received a discount on my latest botox injection.

confession: whether depression or mellowing, i dig my current mellow moods.



About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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