i was rejected this week. this rejection, because of its source, provoked heart-constricting pain. i responded as i usually do when i’m hurt: i gave a few “fuck you’s.” i screamed “fuck you” after “fuck you” was yelled at me. i wrote “fuck you” quietly the next day when i was numb and barely breathing. i sent “fuck you’s” into the world instead of the vulnerable truth that i’m scared, i’m doing my wounded and terrified best to heal as quickly as i can, i need your help, i’m afraid to ask for your help, and please try to compassionately understand me instead of judging/blaming/projecting on me.
ah well, that moment passed and that friendship ended. i have lessons to learn in this ending.
i’m learning to accept myself even when people who’ve claimed to love me reject me. i’m learning to accept myself completely, even when i’m terrified and screaming “fuck you” and crying and failing to contain my pain, which is why the screaming and “fuck you” and crying are pouring forth. i’m learning to accept myself unconditionally, because rejecting myself hurts more than being rejected by another.
i’m learning to let go, let go, let go. the dual themes of my adult life are loving and letting go. i love. i let go. i’m learning to love myself better by letting go of this person. i don’t need this person to love or accept me, but i need to love and accept me. i need to let go of my fear of being unlovable and my shame for being afraid. i let go of fear. i let go of shame. i let go of the one who has rejected me. i let go of what hurts. i let go of what no longer serves my soul’s healing.
i’m learning that the end of this friendship is a gift. the love, caring, compassion, and patience i had given-but-not-received in this friendship is available for me to give myself. i deserve what i’ve given to others. i deserve my own love, caring, compassion, and patience. i’m learning to be the friend to myself that equals the devotion i give to others.