on the last day of 2012, i have some words left to say. my friend s canceled december about one-third of the way into the month. i took her at her word. i needed december canceled. a few days before she canceled december i had almost killed myself. i spontaneously devised a not-so-brilliant new and immediate suicide plan that would end myself in one long jump. i didn’t jump. but not jumping was one of the hardest things i’ve ever resisted. therefore, when s canceled december, i decided to honor the out, take the skip, and quit everything i was “supposed to” do this month. then i got sick. serious kidney infection please-shoot-me-because-this-pain-is-unbearable sick. according to the urologist, my right kidney is a mangled infected “floppy sack” that has probably been the undiagnosed source of many of my chronic health problems for the past couple decades. once we clear the infection, the urologist will remove that kidney and hopefully i’ll experience increased health in 2013.
i did a lot of stupid things in 2012–almost killing myself, remaining in a relationship where i was emotionally and psychologically abused with shaming violence, and continuing to hate myself for leaving my wife and kids. i did a lot of smart things in 2012–return to therapy and begin emdr, digging deep for the courage to remember and reprocess repressed memories, and love the people who unconditionally and reciprocally love me. i practiced asking for help in 2012 and discovered that people genuinely want to help me. i’m grateful for the love given and received. i am grateful to be able to keep learning and growing. i am grateful that i can ditch this sickly kidney and live with only one. i’m grateful this year is ending. i’m grateful for the opportunity to begin a new year. i wish us all a gentle release of what no longer serves us. i hope we leave the gunk in 2012 and take the light into 2013. i love you. thank you for walking through this life with me. it has been a hard year. my heart appreciates your company. i know i’m not alone. i know you are here with me, living your life, traversing your challenges, learning and growing and healing along your path. i honor and celebrate that we have come this far.