rock statues

my angel sister texted me last night to ask what i believed happens after we die. i know what i believe. i don’t know if it’s true, but i know what i believe. do you know what you believe happens after we die? it’s okay if you don’t know. none of us can be sure. i figure no matter what, every little thing is gonna be alright. somehow. someway.

i hiked to one of my favorite prayer spots yesterday. it is a short hike and the spot is only sometimes private because many use it to pray, or that’s what i like to think because of the rock statues left by others, except they may not think of building rock sculptures as prayer, but i do. my prayers in that spot are rock statues i mindfully build with the intent to increase peace, to choose heaven here and now, to nourish my soul by noticing and contributing to the beauty that surrounds me.

last night i went to a birthday party for someone who is soulmate and friend and mentor and peer and playmate and what feels like my second-grade-best-friend-with-whom-i’d-hold-hands-and-swing-next-to-at-recess. she is brave. she is much braver than i am. case-in-point, she threw herself a birthday party. i’d never throw myself a birthday party. i’d be afraid that people wouldn’t show up (and my feelings would be hurt) or they’d show up and have a lousy time (and i’d feel guiltily responsible for wasting their time). her birthday party was perfect. i had a wonderful time. people read poetry and sang and i helped myself to cake even though nobody else was eating it and she made fun of me a little for saying that my poetry sucks (which it does) and i love that she made fun of me, because i take my bad-poetry-writing much too seriously.

maybe none of these things seem to have anything to do with each other, but that’s what life is like, all the randomness threaded together with light and love and the through-line of you being you. i’m rock-statue-building prayerfully grateful for you.

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About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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2 Responses to rock statues

  1. anisum says:

    I get hostess anxiety every time I create and lead an event. If I invite people to see a movie and the movie is terrible (something I have no control over) I feel bad that they wasted their money and time on my idea. For me what it came down to was a) my general need to control the uncontrollable. b) my lack of trust that the people around me can take care of themselves. c) placing my worthiness in other people’s hands.

    Recent revelation about a) the only thing in life that I can rely on is life being as it is. Anything that appears controllable is an illusion.

    Recent revelation about b) Joy depends on perspective and perspective is a choice. If I perceive something as unpleasant, somewhere along the way I chose that perspective. Hence, we are in charge of our own perspectives. If someone comes to my party and doesn’t have a good time, they chose to perceive the elements of the party as unpleasant AND they chose to reject that unpleasantness. (Rejection/acceptance is it’s own perspective). No matter what happens at my party, no matter how many awkward silences arise, they are in charge of having fun, not me.

    Recent revelation regarding c: worth is a completely human created concept. Worth doesn’t exist in any separate realm except our heads. There is no categorical standard of worth that exists somewhere out in the world in which we are all measured against. There is no expert on what is worthy and what is not. Therefore since worthiness is completely made up, then my concept of worthiness is just as constructed as the next person’s concept. Therefore, if I decide I’m worthy, then I’m worthy because to believe in my own worth has practical consequences. I live happier and love better when I believe that I’m worthy. And since worthiness is completely made up, no matter what I do, good or bad, it doesn’t change my worthiness.

    So just yesterday I hosted a little sledding party and on the way to sledding hills I worried the hills would be too small, or the snow too soft, or whatever and that the party would be a bust and it was all my fault. I had to just keep reminding myself a) I had no control over these conditions b) regardless of what happens, I’m not in charge of other people’s happiness. So if the snow sucks or the hills are too small and they don’t have fun, that’s their responsibility. c) My worthiness has nothing to do with whether or not the party goes well. If the party didn’t go well, I’d still be worthy.

    This is all to say- perhaps I understand your experience of hostess anxiety. However, I hope you might find your own ways through it and host yourself a goddam birthday party. Birthday parties are as much about you as they are about the people around you. It’s their opportunity to be reminded of why they are glad you were born. It is their opportunity to collectively celebrate your life, while you are alive. But please don’t take this as yet another reason to feel guilty! Only as an opportunity should you desire to take it.

    I love you always.

  2. oren oubre says:

    i think i have an answer to your first question, regarding what happens after we die? it is my personal story that most likely translates to everyone but who’s to know, right? i have never tried to force this on anyone, much less have i talked of it much throughout my life but to close friends and very seldom.

    it was at the young age of eleven, perhaps twelve, when it came to me, quiet unexpected and out of the blue! it was crisp, cold and a very sunny that day when i felt and heard this presence, this voice overcome my everything, my existence in time. i was walking and admiring the blue sky, the sun in the sky, the branches with no leaves, and, the wind at times that would cut thru my jacket but never cold enough to remove the warmth of the sun that wintery day on le burn avenue. i was passing by aunt marilyn and uncle le brunny’s home, looking up to the sky over my left shoulder and then turning, looking almost directly into the sun, when this voice softly echoed throughout every ounce within me, saying, permeating the following. “that this light within me, this presence within me, will never die! it will live on forever. it is unending! you true essence is unending!” it stunned me but never did i fear or feel threatened in any way by this presence. it was so very knowing and peaceful. i just accepted what had happened and what was revealed.

    i can’t say it any other way but that ever since that moment i have know of this real presence within me. that it is unending!

    i pray this little message finds you well and smiling,

    Oren

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