a plea for help

at 2:30am i recognized the thick heart-threatening trouble. i had already finished heaving, shaking, rocking, and wailing from sorrow. i leaned into the mirror and stared into my eyes, asking my future self to guide me. i often ask my future self for guidance, figuring that she has more information and insight into what i can’t see or know from my vantage point. i’d never seen my eyes look as serious as they did when my future self advised me “get away from him now. stay away from him. he will hurt you more than you can imagine if you do not escape this time, this moment, now.” i believe her. she always tells me the truth. i have to listen to her. she’s trying to save my life, my heart, my peace.

i need help. i need more help than i know how to ask for. at noon today i sat in the safe circle of a 12-step meeting and spoke. i admitted the first step, that i am powerless over my addiction and that my life has become unmanageable. a person can become addicted to many things, including other people and the pain they bring. i am addicted to the pain he brings me. i use him to abuse myself, to shame myself, to reinforce my belief that i am unworthy of being seen, understood, and loved. i must quit using him. i must cease all contact with him. he does not love me, although he says that he does. his love is a cursing version of criticism and judgment, a projection of his self-judgment and shame. my addiction isn’t to him. my addiction is to punishing myself. i am like the young girls who are addicted to cutting themselves, only instead of knives and razor blades, i use him to cut myself. i have to stop. i need help.

i need your help. i don’t know what i’m asking for exactly. i don’t know well enough what would help me. i know what i want. i want to be seen, understood, and loved. in therapy earlier this week, my therapist and i debated if the thing wanted with our whole self might actually be needs, not wants. my whole self needs to be seen, understood, and loved. i need help being seen. i need help being understood. i need help being loved.

when i began blogging nearly a decade ago, i initiated with the intention to reveal myself. i wanted to reveal myself because i have a bottomless need to be genuinely loved, and i recognize that i must make myself vulnerable to being seen and understood in order to be genuinely loved. i’m blogging today because i continuously desire to be seen, understood, and loved. i NEED to be seen, understood, and loved. i need help. i also need to give myself, expose myself, share myself in order that you might see, understand, and love yourself and others better as you read my process. we all need each other far more than we admit. we need to witness one another, support one another, honor one another, and compassionately accept each other. may we all be seen as we truly are. may we be intimately known and understood. may we love one another fully and unconditionally. may we make it so.


About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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