confession: i’m disappointed that the new apartment isn’t “nicer.” i can hear street traffic. the bathroom walls have painted over water damage. the kitchen cabinets are scratched. it ain’t a pretty apartment, but it is bigger and new to me. even though i’m disappointed by the apartment’s appearance, i’m glad i moved. i wanted to live in a new space. i wanted to lay my eyes and hands on everything i owned and get rid of whatever i no longer wanted or needed. i wanted to be somewhere else, wake up somewhere else, put my stuff somewhere else. i wanted to start over. i wanted a new beginning. despite the street traffic noise and water damage and scratched cabinets, everything else i wanted from moving to this new apartment brings me peace.
confession: hiring movers to lift and carry the furniture and boxes of books is always worth the money. hiring a cleaning service to do thefinal move-out cleaning is also worth the money.
confession: the piddly diddly little left-over remnants of stuff at the end of moving day exhaust me. i’m procrastinating. i’m avoiding. i’ll be awake all night making two dozen trips down three flights of stairs carrying the little stuff.
confession: three days ago i realized that i’ll have scars from my surgery on monday which means there will be no more high art nude modeling for me. i don’t know how i feel about that. i hate modeling. i’ve promised myself for years that every shoot is the last. now i realize that the last one was the last. but i wanted the option of modeling available to me. i wanted modeling to want me even if i don’t want to model. nobody wants the scars i’ll have three days from now.
confession: i feel ridiculous and shallow and vain for that last confession.
confession: i’m learning to accept the shallow, vain, ugly, dark, angry, hurting, grieving, grimy, dark aspects of myself rather than condemn and punish myself for them. i like being kind, gentle, and forgiving with myself. it isn’t as difficult to do as i thought it would be, probably because my default extension to others is kindness, gentleness, and forgiveness.