confession: he’s finally gone for good this time. during our last exchange we both said hateful things. i apologized for what i said, but he couldn’t hear it. he hears the hateful thing on repeat, which is why i know he won’t return. i’m relieved he is gone. i feel free to be me again. i feel more like my real self, the person i like, and the person i want to be in the past few days since i’ve known for sure that he is gone than i’ve felt since our relationship began a year and a half ago. i catch myself lamenting and regretting “why did i waste so much time with him?” then i remember that i was sick when i met him, too weak to leave him, and i managed to accelerate my healing through the pain he triggered. i prefer to reframe that relationship as the fastest (and most dangerous) path to my new wisdom and health.
confession: in the past week i’ve spent quality hours with three of my favorite male friends. they all agree that i come from a different planet. i don’t assimilate well in this world, but i’m happily visiting for this incarnation.
confession: my aunt sent a post-operation care package filled with chocolate. i’ve eaten most of it in two days, which i translate as a sign that i’m feeling much better.
confession: last night i experienced a higher concentration of people i love in the same room than i’ve seen in a while. i hugged and hugged and hugged and hugged and hugged and healed with every hug.
confession: diet coke is really bad for me. i’m still drinking two cans a day.
confession: alcohol is safer for my kidney than caffeine. no coffee for me. yes to tequila.
confession: i hung out with my spirit grandmothers today. they grandmothered me. i granddaughtered them. we got high. (not what it sounds like. not what you’re thinking. but high nonetheless.)