“A person should consider how things begin. A particular beginning results in a particular ending.”
–Amy Tan, The Bonesetter’s Daughter
because the past several years have brought many endings, i’ve begun revisiting the beginnings to understand what makes little sense to me. patterns emerge. patterns repeat. patterns repeat because i don’t understand how they begin, because i recognize the pattern after the ending. the patterns are not what i thought they were. the patterns are not the ones i’m consciously aware of engaging. rather, thinking that i know the pattern i’m currently employing is part of a larger befuddling pattern that i do not understand. i think i think too much and most of the thinking i’ve been thinking is incorrect. i don’t trust my feelings. feelings lie, especially mine, especially fear. on this ordinary and satisfying tuesday morning i sit in last night’s clothes without having slept, with another ending in my lap, another beginning already begun, and patterns i am aware of that aren’t the patterns that explain why this particular ending and this particular beginning have ended and begun in their particular ways. thinking won’t get me out of this maze. thinking might be the structure of this maze. if i stop thinking and if i ignore my feelings, i realize that i am okay. really okay. better than okay. if i stop thinking and if i ignore my feelings, i notice that life presents new opportunities, my ideal opportunities, to do and be and have everything i’ve ever wanted. all i have to do is ask, open, and receive. i bet you more than money, i bet you whatever you want most, that all you have to do is ask, open, and receive.