pretend for a moment that you are a 39 year old man whose longterm girlfriend broke up with you a year ago, a woman you are still in love with, the woman you wanted to marry and knock up and build a life with, a woman that you’ve tried to win back for the past year and have finally accepted that she doesn’t want to be with you, what would you do? if i were that man, i’d do exactly what the real life man is planning. i’d move out at the end of my lease, i’d sell my stuff including the car, i’d give the dog to the ex-girlfriend, i’d buy a motorcycle, and i’d take off until the money ran out. then i’d get a job wherever i landed until i earned enough money to get on the road again. i’d find roads to take me across countries and continents. i’d hope i’d never come back here again, that home would become my bike and the wind and the road.
because i am not that man, because i am a 39 year old woman who left her wife and kids a little less than two years ago and can almost claim that i’m almost over it, i’m not going to sell my stuff and buy a motorcycle and take off. instead, i’m going to stay put (at least until the high temperatures rise above 95 degrees) and i’m going to continue therapy every week. i’ve finally quit writing letters to the ex-wife that i’ll never send, but i still talk to her in my head. i’ve been driving too fast again lately. usually less than 100mph, but way too fast to be safe. and i’ve started to drink too often again, not necessarily too much, but definitely too often. and i’ve forgotten what i want in life. and i’ve forgotten why. and i’ve forgotten who i could be if i decided to be. and if i were a man, i’d leave. but i’m a woman who stayed here when the smarter thing would have been to buy a motorcycle and ride away and now enough time has passed that the urge to go is gone. but part of me woke up today that wants to ride and wants the road. that part of me never sleeps but usually keeps quiet. i know her. she’s the one that drives too fast and drinks too often. i want to hear her sing. i want to watch her strip off her clothes and jump into the river and learn to breathe under water. i want to taste her salty blood inside my mouth where she bites her lip to keep from screaming when something feels too good or hurts too much. i want to smell the ocean in her hair.