i’ve spent most of my life attempting to prove to myself that i’m lovable while simultaneously insisting that i am unworthy of the love i receive. this thinking creates crazy-making. the ones who have loved me are rarely trusted and i’ve often invested in ones who can’t love me. for most of my adult life, i hoped i’d grow out of this craziness, but instead i’ve learned to open to the opportunities to grow with, within, and alongside my crazy-making. i grow around and in-between the craziness, compassionately embracing the origin of this craziness and loving all of me.
some days i wake up sane. this happens more frequently after i’ve slept more than three hours, didn’t drink the night before, and avoided interactions with people who can’t love me.
i asked someone i trust to tell me why he loves me. it pained me to ask, because asking for anything feels like asking for too much. he understood the risk involved in asking. he gave me a long long long list of reasons why he loves me. i cried. i hurt as i read the reasons and i wanted to read them over and over again, but I couldn’t. i barely read them the first time. an hour later, i made myself read them again. i cried again. i haven’t let myself read them a third time, because something in me refuses to believe i’m as lovable as he claims and not as unworthy as i claim.
if you’ve never asked someone you trust, someone who loves you, someone who will tell you the truth to list the reasons they love you, today is the perfect day for that request. if you can’t ask someone, then list the reasons for yourself. volunteer to list the reasons for another.
i love you because you care about love, about giving love and receiving love in as many ways as you can.
i love you because you are growing each day, becoming stronger and clearer and more of who you were born to be.
i love you because you extend gentleness with your thoughtful comments and kind smiles.
i love you because your style adds more flair to this ordinary world.
i love you because you are innately lovable.
i love the joy in your laughter.
i love the salty grief in your tears.
i love that your heart opens to give and receive love right here, right now.