confessions of guilt and pleasure

confession: i lay on the floor so that the bones in my leg with the pull of gravity press heavily against the muscles in my leg, in a form of self-massage from within that looks from the outside like lying still. i only stay in this position for a few minutes. i want to stay in that position for hours. i don’t know why i deny myself the pleasure of remaining on the floor for longer. that pleasure is free and doesn’t hurt anyone. stretching is another free pleasure i deny myself. my body loves to stretch. my body loves to massage itself with the weight of its bones against muscles. if i stretched for five minutes more a day, i’d be five minutes happier each day. (i hope you are now asking yourself what simple pleasures you deny yourself.) 

confession: about fifteen years ago wizard’s favorite uncle died of brain cancer. we visited him in arizona a few times that last year before he died. during our last visit he lay unmoving in a hospital bed in hospice care and had decided to eat only butterfinger candybars for the rest of his life. he didn’t ask me specifically, he didn’t ask anyone specifically, but while i was in the hospice room with a few other people he asked if someone would please cut his toenails because they were bothering him against the sheet. no one acknowledged the request. no one cut his toenails. i still feel guilty for that. it was a small request that would have made a big difference to him in those final days, something he couldn’t do for himself anymore, and no one did it for him. since then, i’ve cut my own toenails too short, sometimes to the point that they bleed. cutting my toenails has become an unconscious self-flagellation for not cutting the uncle’s. i’ve forgiven myself for most things i’ve done or haven’t done and wished i had, but i haven’t forgiven myself for not honoring that dying man’s request.

confession: yes to strip clubs. yes. 

confession: i wonder how old i’ll have to be to start feeling creepy for being an old lady in a strip club. i wonder if the old men in strip clubs feel creepy. 

confession: i’m glad i gave up diet coke. i’m more resistant to giving up tequila, but tequila hurts my body more now that i’ve given up diet coke. one of the paradoxes of greater health is that the healthier i become, the more repercussions i receive form unhealthy behaviors. 

confession: i took a bath the other day. i’m a twice daily shower person, but i rarely take baths. my brain associates baths with being too sick to stand in the shower. but the bath i took the other day felt good and i remembered that baths can be pleasurable, too. 

confession: the name angel joy takes some getting used to.

 

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About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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