fever dreams

with high fevers come extreme fever dreams. most of my dreams have been nightmares this week, except for this morning’s exception. i dreamed that i traveled back in time to land in 2008. none of the really bad stuff that would happen in the next five years had yet transpired, but in the dream, i knew those things were coming. i knew i couldn’t stop those things from happening, but i could choose to react differently. the truth is, i reacted poorly to all the bad things that have happened since 2008. if the measure of a person’s character is how that person responds to life’s challenges, then i’ve rated as a  craphead the past several years. in the dream, i made all new choices. i spoke up. i told people what i was feeling and why i felt that way. i altogether avoided engaging in self-destructive relationships. i returned to therapy sooner and i took my wife (now ex-wife) with me. by the time i caught up to present day (in dream time), i realized that i had behaved like the person i’ve always wanted to be. i was proud of me. i woke from the dream wondering if it was real, wondering if i had actually time-traveled and chosen differently. it took me twenty minutes to realize that it was only a dream and not real. another twenty minutes passed before i realized that the dream is sort of real in the sense that the self-destructive relationships that i entered i have since exited. because those people are not in my current life, i almost feel as if those people and those relationships never happened. the therapy i’ve been doing for nearly a year is reprogramming the false beliefs held in my little kid lizard brain and i effortlessly make different choices based on new beliefs now. in 2013 i am becoming the person i’ve always wanted to be. i am proud of me. those aspects of the dream are real.

 

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About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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