confession: today i return to the doctor that i saw on monday to discuss the results of multiple blood tests and some x-rays ordered two days ago. i’m not sure i trust this doctor. i know that i don’t trust western medicine’s paradigm and prevalent presumptions, but i don’t have the time or energy to fly to hong kong to see the world’s best eastern medicine doctors and i’m not sure that i trust eastern medicine’s paradigm more or less than the predominant one in the united states. i don’t like taking the antibiotics prescribed by western medicine. i don’t like drinking the gross-tasting herb teas of eastern medicine either.
confession: when i drop weight quickly due to illness, my face becomes horse-like to me. i realized this morning (after losing three more pounds in the past two days) that the horse-face quality is a result of a perceived lengthening of my face because the fullness of my cheeks has sunken and deflated. rather than “horse-face” i now perceive my too-thin-sick-face to resemble “hooker-hooked-on-coke-face” which brings me more solace than it sounds, since i’d rather look like a hooker than a horse.
confession: this week the books i’m reading are my best escape from otherwise constant pain. great writing and engaging storytelling take me out of my body, out of my bed, out of my physical reality for a while.
confession: i wrote two emails last night that required me to open my heart as vulnerably as i can. i didn’t get my heart all the way open, but i tried. my heart hurts. anger arises in a misguided attempt to protect me from future pain. anger harms rather than helps me, since these relationships have ended and i don’t need anger’s protection. i want to forgive these people, forgive myself, and move forward into my life without them. i want to trust that i’m safe because those relationships are over, those relationships have ended, and i can choose kinder, more compassionate, more understanding, and more accepting interactions from here.
confession: even while my pain-filled energy-zapped sleepless present concerns me, i look for and find the gifts in everything. i have seemingly infinite time to reflect on my fuck-ups, failures, and lessons of the past year(s) and i grow wiser. i’m fostering faith and hope in my abilities to behave bravely and congruently now.
confession: i accidentally busted another addict in mid-acting-out addiction mode. that was tough for both of us. we handled the situation with more grace than we’ve managed in the past but with less courage than i think we are capable.
confession: during a protracted illness, a day arrives when i stop denying that i am sicker than i’ve been willing to admit. that day i surrender and submit to what needs to be done, even if i don’t like it. today is that day.