confessions after anesthesia

confession: after a medical procedure requiring anesthesia, one is advised not to drive, drink, or make important decisions for at least 24 hours. as the nurse put in my intravenous line a few minutes before i was wheeled away to be put under, wizard turned to me and asked, “what important decisions may i make for you in the next 24 hours?” i couldn’t tell if he was being helpful or mischievous, because it is his nature to be both. 

confession: writing confessions a few hours after anesthesia is probably not a good idea, which is why i’m doing it. i love safe-ish risk-taking. 

confession: when i remember the good moments in a relationship and the good qualities of a person, i mistakenly feel that i miss being in relationship with that person, which is why i have to consciously remind myself of the horrible moments and the undesirable qualities of the person in order to remember why i am happier and healthier without that relationship. 

confession: i sleep better alone. other people speak about missing someone in their bed. i never miss someone in my bed. i sleep diagonally across a queen size bed and i love sleeping alone. 

confession: i’m hungry all the time. physically hungry, yes. emotional stuffing-down-with-food-hungry, occasionally. mentally hungry with an insatiable urge to learn, of course. spiritually hungry, once in a while. hungry for artistic inspiration, always. 

confession: i want more. more of what, i’m not sure. but less stuff. no more stuff. as my friend d says, only consumables as presents, please. birthday packages continue to arrive in the mail this week, all consumables. thank you for consumables. flowers, chocolate, liquor, books (to be passed on once read), candles, and perfume make perfect gifts. i love receiving perfect gifts. i love that the gift-givers know to present me with perfect consumable gifts. (p.s. this week i also received a custom-made handmade tutu that will be worn until it disintegrates and therefore qualifies as consumable. thank you, t-dogg.) 

confession: i’m grateful for facebook events where i can check to see if certain people have accepted or declined an invitation so that i know which events to avoid if i want to avoid a certain someone. on the flipside, i rarely accept or decline a facebook invitation, which is true of others as well, so this isn’t a fool-proof method. 

confession: before meeting someone, i might be in the same bar or dancehall with that person many times and never notice her or him. after regrettably getting to know a person too intimately, i wish it were possible to return to not noticing the person again. i try. people judge me as rude for that. maybe i am. but i prefer to perceive this method as creating my own ideal reality. if i’d rather not know someone, why not act as if i don’t?




About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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One Response to confessions after anesthesia

  1. pixie sister says:

    confession: my down time could be used for things i want to do like writing letters, sending out presents to multiple people i’ve started presents for, making apple jelly, and more. but lately i wan to do nothing instead. today i filled up some of my time with a not-quite-lost-not-quite-knowing-where-we-were 3 1/2 hour hike with a friend, a nap, and tracking expenses for a home buyers class. and i’m back to wanting to do nothing but lay with my cat, keeping each other warm and thinking.

    confession: showing up for life is a bit of a challenge right now. it’s nothing i haven’t gone through before. and i know i will show up more again. i know guilt doesn’t help. shifting usually happens when i don’t expect it.

    confession: i’m tired. tired of being allergic to so many things. i miss eating out and not having to comb through every ingredient. i miss walking up feeling alert and being able to think clearly. i will not miss forgetting things at work whenever my next feeling better round is here. i had a great round a few weeks ago. good times.

    confession: when i feel like i do now, i often think “i just want to be left alone.” i don’t know if it’s true or not.

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