today i had plans with my best friend g to spend a few hours in bliss together, but i didn’t sleep well last night which meant i was tired this morning and almost cranky. almost cranky means that as long as i’m alone, i can manage my mood, keeping my even-temper level, but that my evenness will tip cockeyed if i interact my mood with another’s. g has witnessed every mood within my moody range in the past 22 years, but more often as i get older, i want to be alone in most of my moods. i wanted to be alone today. i felt guilty for canceling on g, but i would’ve felt worse if i didn’t spend the day alone.
instead of hanging blissfully with g, i returned calls to doctors’ offices and waited for biopsy results and wrote long lists comparing reality with my fantasies of what is and used to be and read health articles about the endless benefits of garlic and the overwhelming evidence warning against diet sodas. these activities didn’t improve my mood, but as long as i am alone, my mood balances in not-cranky-not-unhappiness, pushed against an almost cranky edge.
sometimes i play this game with my mind called “if i died tomorrow, how would i want to spend today?” but i can get myself into trouble if i play that game everyday, because then i’d never call the doctor or eat garlic and i’d drink gallons of diet dr. pepper.
in between returning phone calls to doctors’ offices and playing the “if i died tomorrow” game, i realized what i usually remember on days like today (days when i’ve canceled super-fun plans because i’m not in a super-fun-having mood), which is two-fold and contradictory:
1. i’m grateful that i know myself well enough to honor my moods and choose what feels best for me.
2. it is safe for me to spend time with people who love me even if i feel less-than-my-best, because they don’t expect my perfectly blissful self all the time. they love the whole me all the time.
g lets me off the hook, never guilts me, and celebrates my hours-in-advance canceling of plans that have been in place for a week. she knows me. she knows how i am and why i am this way and loves me exactly as i am all the time, which is why she is my best friend. but sometimes i wish i were different. i could behave differently, but i’m not sure if i can really be different, and i’ve learned that wanting to be different isn’t healthy or good for me, because that desire suggests that there is something wrong with me as i am now…and really, there’s nothing wrong with me. there’s nothing wrong with you either. whatever you are that you’re resisting, avoiding, denying, and wishing was different about you, i’m telling you right now, YOU ARE OKAY EXACTLY AS YOU ARE.
i love you.
please love yourself well today. all of you. including that aspect you might wish was different.