self-care

this week i’ve gone to pole dancing class (twice), hula hoop dancing class, two-step dancing (twice), ran beneath clear starry skies, walked in the rain, made wishes on lightning bolts, shared tequila, wore my favorite pink fluffy skirt that is too short and perfectly swishy, and received a massage. that’s what self-care looks like in my world. i’ve also done plenty of work, errands, and chores, plus made a few errors i hope to fix, correct, or do-over. at mid-week someone smart and beautiful asked me if i am still joyful. i am. i’ve settled into this joy as my new normal and i quickly note any rupture of the normalized joyfulness. here’s what happened… 

i strive to keep my heart open. keeping my heart open is easy when i’m surrounded by emotionally healthy, loving people. keeping my heart open is challenging when confronted with someone i haven’t yet forgiven. i unintentionally glared at someone i didn’t expect to see. the disdainful glance conveyed my residual hurt that is felt as dread and expressed as anger. my normalized joyfulness bumps through potholes of unresolved bleagh and my heart closes. at the point of closure i notice two choices (although certainly there are more): 1. observe the emotions and tenderly listen for the messages they signal. 2. close my heart, cut off the emotions, and ignore what hurts. i’d like to report that i chose the first option. i didn’t. 

but the next day, i chose differently. the next day, when i was alone, when i could sit still and feel what i had refused to feel the night before, sadness and shame seeped around the edges. sadness for the loss of a relationship that never satisfied, sadness for the time and energy invested in blaming rather than healing, and shame for the stinginess of my heart. i am deeply loved and completely safe and all my basic needs are met in abundance. i have the luxury of being generous with my own heart. i have no reason to hoard the goodness that naturally flows outward when i keep my heart open to my feelings, open to the moment, and open to embrace the people who appear in my field of vision. my dread for seeing this specific person signals my unforgiveness and offers me an opportunity to practice letting go. today, like every other day, i breathe my heart open. i create space to hold all of my feelings. i keep opening my heart and eventually the readiness to inhale forgiveness and exhale love breathes through me.

 

 

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About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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