this year while vision questing with the grandmothers (and yes, for those of you who have wondered, they are actual in-the-flesh grandmothers in their 60’s, 70’s, & 80’s), i was given the task of asking and receiving. with less than two months of this year remaining, i recognize that i’ve focused more on receiving and less on asking. last month, my friend t who has supported my vision for asking and receiving since the beginning of this year asked me to ask her for something, to ask her for anything out of my comfort zone and to ask others as well. in the past month, i’ve come up with nothing to ask. i rationalized that i have nothing to ask because i already have plenty, but that’s not the reason. i’m afraid to ask because i have hidden pockets of shame around asking, shame for wanting or needing more than i already have, shame for being less than self-sufficient. i need help asking. my friend t knows that i need help asking, which is why she asked me to ask outside my comfort zone. here i am, posting online (which is within my comfort zone) where you can’t see the hands-trembling, snot-sniffling, tears-choking melting mess sitting in this chair, where you can’t see my fear, where you can’t see how vulnerable shame makes me. i hear myself shouting in my head, “hey t, i’m uncomfortable now, and i haven’t even asked for anything yet.” i’m uncomfortable because i know what i want to ask for…and it’s big.
i’m asking you to see me. in order to see me, you have to first be able to see yourself, to see yourself as you really are, not the image you project or the self you pretend to be. i’m asking you to reveal your own pockets of shame (not to me, but acknowledge to yourself) and allow yourself to be vulnerable. i’m asking you to be gentle with yourself, to accept your perceived flaws and mistakes and guilt and shame, to speak kindly to yourself, to hold your whole self in your most loving embrace. i’m asking these things of you, because until you can do them for yourself, you can’t do them with me, and i want these things from you. i’m asking you to love you so that you can love me. i’m asking you to lovingly accept the aspects of yourself that you have judged so that you can accept me without judgment. i’m afraid to ask something this big of you, but i’m more afraid not to. the only things i really want are to be seen, to be heard, to connect with you, and to see you, hear you, and love you. that’s a big ask. will you do it?