confessions of a sexy dancer

confession: my favorite dances are the slow, close, micromovement, bluesy kind. only a handful from the dozens of my regular dance partners know how to dance slow and small. newish youngish dancers haven’t yet learned the subtle dancing secrets far more powerful than fast turns, quick spins, and deep dips.

confession: when i’m dancing slow bluesy micromovements close to you, i’m not teasing you, i’m not inviting you for sex, i’m merely dancing in my favorite ways with you. please remember that. please don’t confuse a sexy dance with a desire to copulate with you.

confession: i’ve been claiming for several years that i’m going to learn to lead in dancing. in the decades we danced together, my wife always led. when i dance with women now, 85% of the time, she leads. i’m ready to learn to lead as well as i follow. i have the perfect practice partner. (bonus points for her warm heart, sweet humor, and delicious physicality.)

confession: for the past couple years, people that aren’t close to me but used to read my blog would tell me that they stopped reading my blog because it was a downer. i didn’t know exactly what they meant and didn’t ask for clarification and didn’t take their comments personally, because i trust that whatever i post will find the audience who wants it. i realized earlier this week that in the past couple years i’ve written extensively about shame. acknowledging shame, openly discussing shame, publicly sorting through shame makes many people acutely uncomfortable. keeping silent about shame was killing me. literally.

confession: these days, i’m mostly shame resilient. writing about shame, conversing about shame, admitting my shame helped me develop shame resiliency.

confession: i’m free in ways that are brand new to me. when people ask me “what’s new?” i want to reply, “i’m free.” sometimes i say that. usually i don’t. when i’m even more free, i’ll give that response more often.

confession: earlier this week i confessed to a cherished one that i feel ambivalently about feelings. my ambivalence flares around residual feelings from the past, feelings that don’t apply to the present. the yay-side of that ambivalence appreciates the opportunities to note what is true now, what is leftover from the past, and to shake out those feelings when they arise. the nay-side of that ambivalence dislikes the fact that leftover residue remains, triggered by certain people, places, situations, and other feelings.

confession: i don’t know how close i want to get to the new one that has appeared in my world. i want to keep my heart open and trust what i learn as we go.

confession: i sat farther from her and touched her less than i wanted to because i was afraid she would feel uncomfortable. at the end of the evening, i realized that i had projected my uncomfortable feelings on her. gratefully, i can discuss these things with her. we are safe with each other.

confession: talking with my best friend yesterday afternoon, i said an obvious thing that led to an obvious conclusion that indicates an obvious action to take. conversations with my best friend or my therapist offer regular doses of obvious insight.

confession: most things are easier now. everything is more peaceful now. i’m settling into a calm happiness cat-napping inside me after a two-month hunt during which the cat disappeared into the wilderness and returned scraggly with a wild-eyed wink.



About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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