i’ve always been a mythic-oriented archetype-loving gal. i changed my legal name to that of my primary archetype. years ago i blogged by the name of another archetype. angel, diva, goddess, monk, priestess, artist, addict, healer, seer, shaman—these have been my primary guiding archetypes in adulthood. plus one. enchantress. and my enchantress occasionally employs the tactics of a manipulative bitch, but i didn’t realize that until saturday night.
i’ve been sick and homebound for the past week. when i’m severely cramping and dehydrated and alternating between feeling like i’m dying and wishing i were dead, my childhood-church-indoctrinated brain speculates about what god might be punishing me for. (my healthy rational brain doesn’t believe in the wrath of god, but when i’ve dropped six pounds in three days and haven’t eaten and can’t sit up because of pain, i’m not thinking with my healthy rational brain.) i began listing the past six years’ worth of regrets, mistakes, and shame. in most cases, i felt guilt, shame, or regret from a pattern that emerged from my enchantress archetype. in her positive aspects, my enchantress uses charm, sincerity, and innocent flirtation to compliment you, boost your esteem, and make you feel good. in her negative aspects, she will make you fall in love with her, make you believe that she loves you when she is fueling an addiction to love that isn’t love and drama that distracts her from her real work. my enchantress knows exactly what to say and when to say it, what to do and when to do it, plus when and where to touch you to make you fall in love with her. it is as if she can read your mind and heart and soul and repeats the words you have always ached to hear, holds you the way you long to be held, caresses you in the most provocative way. which would be a gift, if she meant it for longer than the moment it lasts. but the moment passes and she moves on and you’re stuck in some illusion of love with her and wanting more, a more that she has neither desire or capacity to give. i’ve hurt several people in the past several years by enchanting them rather than loving them.
i began listing my regrets and mistakes as an inventory of things i need forgiveness for. i’m sorry to the ones i’ve hurt, the ones who felt betrayed because i didn’t love them the way they wanted or for as long as they wanted. i’ve learned from those regrets and mistakes, from promises that i couldn’t keep. i’ve learned to be gentler, quieter, slower in my new relationships. i’ve learned how to create intimacy rather than seduction. i’ve learned to keep a watchful eye on the enchantress in me, to keep her in the light and out of the dark shadows of the night.