i’m writing to you because when writing to myself i wasn’t honest. i won’t lie to you. i lie to myself. the truth flows toward you, the witness, the one who has felt what i feel. the true words belong to us.
i feel white hot hate that i want to bury, deny, demolish, erase. twice i’ve felt this white hot hate in the past two years. the first time i felt white hot hate i relished the feeling because i knew it was temporary, signaling me to end a toxic relationship. once the relationship ended, the hate vaporized because the emotion had fulfilled its purpose of delivering a message that i heeded. this current white hot hate brings a message i haven’t yet decoded. this white hot hate unfolds into fantasies for another’s suffering. i don’t want revenge, i don’t want to directly inflict harm, but i want the object of my hate to suffer for what he has done. i want karma to hold him accountable. i want him to feel small and powerless and tortured in equal intensity to what i felt with him.
karma isn’t punishment. karma is instructive and responsive. karma teaches a lesson. i want him to learn.
in the decades of daily practice toward enlightenment, i’ve learned that enlightenment doesn’t mean i’ll escape the crapshoot that gambles through life. enlightenment means i’ll feel the entire spectrum of emotions and experience the range of flavors between sweetness and shit without taking them personally. i’ve been taking this current wave of white hot hate personally, frightening myself into believing that i am wicked for feeling hate and wishing for another’s suffering. hate is an emotion with the same purpose as any other emotion, to deliver a message. i’m blocking hate’s message with my judgment against it.
the energy dynamics of emotion require that an emotion must be felt before that emotion can be released, discharged, or transformed.
before i depart for a magical island off the coast of maine where the air swirls in soft cool mist, i want to release this hot white hate. hate is too hot and heavy and sharp for me to pack into my luggage and carry with me. i need your help. i need you to search your heart for the hate you’ve hidden or buried or stashed in a locked box and i need you to ask for its message. find out what hate wants from you, what hate wants you to know, to acknowledge, to admit, to do. my hate wants your hate to help us both find where love is lacking and learn how to love or forgive or accept what we find.