stingy sadness

after four weeks naturally high on my life, high-flying as i move through the world, high-vibing with my purpose for being alive, i could have anticipated the valley waiting for me, but i didn’t. i forget when i feel happy that the rest of the feeling spectrum waits for me to participate over time. yesterday was a low day. yesterday stabilized at a basic low, not dipping too low, but low enough that i stayed holed up inside myself and didn’t let anyone join me. i’m stingy with sadness. i don’t like to share my sadness. i keep all my sadness locked inside the car parked on a dark street that holds me late at night. exclusively suffering my sadness isn’t fair to the people who love the whole big-hearted full-feeling me. my stinginess with sadness is an obstacle to deeper intimacy. if i let people sit with me while i cry, then i’d let them love an inside-out vulnerable me. but i don’t. not yet.

because i flourish in being new, i did something differently last night while sitting in my parked car and crying. i held my phone in my hand and kept texting with someone who didn’t want me to be alone even though i wouldn’t let him be near me. i kept expecting him to stop texting me. he kept texting me. i kept expecting me to stop responding. i kept responding. even when he asked a question i didn’t want to answer, i told him the truth. and after half an hour of ugly hot tears and thick snot, the sadness loosened. the sadness didn’t leave, but the sadness released its leash on my heart, fastened its seatbelt, let me start the car and drive on.

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About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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One Response to stingy sadness

  1. stacyoverman says:

    Thank you for sharing this. I’m stingy with my discontent. I isolate and defensively strike. I catch myself wishing others small because I am being small. I am choosing big love today. I am choosing goodness and good vibes to all. I am choosing to celebrate the bigness, goodness of all. Thank you for your bigness and goodness and for calling forth the reciprocal in me. I love you!

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